Better Call the Bird Lawyer
by mackd
Summary: Mac and Charlie decide to start their own side businesses in the Omaha Mall. Jimmy, depressed and struggling to make new friends and a new life, befriends "the gang" and reluctantly gets caught up in their schemes and shenanigans.
1. Chapter 1

**Better Call the Bird Lawyer**

 **Chapter 1**

"Mall Mice"

 _Some Year between 2017 and 2021_

 _The Month of September_

 _The Omaha Mall_

 _10:30 PM_

"Excuse me, which way to the convention center?" said a random passerby

"Left that way, then straight ahead, up the escalator, then all the way down to the end" said Jimmy

"Thank you" replied the passerby

"Hi I am order #540"said a random customer

"Yes, one large Cinnamon bun, 2 large coffees, coming up. Your total is $8.57" said Jimmy

"Excuse me, do you validate parking" said another random passerbyer

"No, Magic Store Express does validations" replied Jimmy

"Thank you"

About 2 hours earlier that day.

Mac and Charlie entered the mall. They are heading to the Convention Center for a bar owners convention, which is connected to the mall via a pedestrain overpass. Meanwhile, Charlie thinks he can get his side business of being a "bird layer" off the ground while out of town. Charlie just passed (barely) a lincense exam to become a paralegal from a shaddy online college. Mac meanwhile thinks he's a private detective; after having passed a shady online PI class.

"Man, I am telling you, this is going to be amazing. I can make all sorts of contacts, you know, expand my network. Its going to be awesome" said Charlie

"Dude, we're here to promote Paddy's Pub. That's what we came here for." replied Mac

"I mean yeah. I know Mac. I am just saying, since we're out here anyway. I mean there's no reason why we can't do both."

"Charlie, we talked about this. We don't want to get too distracted. We're here on business. Dude, no one here is going to be interested in your bird law services."

"How about I just do my thing and you do your thing. How bout that. Ok" said Charlie

"Yeah, ok fine, lets just find the convention center." said Mac

"Hey, lets ask that guy at the Cinnamon Bun place." said Charlie

"Dude no." replied Mac

"What do you mean no. Dude, just go ask him." said Charlie

"I told you. I am a private detective now. I can find anything or anyone, day and night. I am like a PI ninja. Kiwa!" said Mac doing a karatee chop in the middle of the mall

"We don't need directions. Charlie, I can figure this out. I figure things out because that's what I do."

"Well, yeah. But I mean if you go ask him and he tells you then you where the convention center is then you would have figured it out by asking him."

"Oh my God dude , that's perfect. I can use my PI skills to obtain the information of where the convention center is." said Mac

"Or if we printed out the map of the mall before we left like I said that would have worked too. I'll go ahead and ask him." said Charlie

"Man, no, I'll ask him. I am the private investigator expert. I am the one what figures out stuff." said Mac

"Yeah, ok fine, you go ask him."

"Next in line" said Jimmy

"oh, hi I would like-" said a random customer

"Hi, excuse me. Which way is the.. "

"Excuse me, can I finish making my order. Thank you."

"It will only take a second." said Mac

"Dude, let him order" said Charlie

"I got this." said Mac

"*sigh*. Yes I woul-" continued the customer

"We just want to know how to get to the convetion center." said Mac

"Left, straight ahead, up the escalator, then all the way down to the end. " said Jimmy, then turned to the customer

"And you wanted." said Jimmy turning his attention back to the customer

"I'll have the #5 and a large iced coffee, but not too-"

"Hey, you said…" said Mac

Jimmy puts hims plam out, mouthing "one minute"

"A #5 and large iced coffee?" asked Jimmy

"Yes, but not much ice." said the customer

"I understand. Off course you don't want to get ripped off and not get any coffee with your coffee. *wink wink*" said Jimmy

"Exactly" said the custome

"Your total sir is $5.23" said Jimmy

"Excus-" – started Mac

"Yes, I would like one large #3."

"That will be $3.54 mamn."

"Thank you."

"Yes, you said left. You mean like here, or go all the way to the end of the hallway." asked Mac

"Ok, you make a left by that cart over there. Then you just go straight. Then up the escalator, then keep straight. You should see a walkway that connects the mall to the convention center."

"Ok, thanks man." said Charlie.

As they walk away a bit.

"Man, can you believe that woman's rudeness. Dude, she just interupted me. Who does that" said Mac.

"I know, right" replied Charlie.

As they are walking towards the cart, Mac turns right.

"Dude, what are you doing. We're supposed to make a left" said Charlie

"Oh I am taking a detour. Check this out. " Mac points to a magic store

"I can totally get some tools for my PI work. Hey, hey, excuse me sir" Mac yells attemping to get the attention of the magic store owner's while busy assisting a customer.

"Those are some bad ass handcuffs." Mac says, and then lowers his voice.

"Hey listen, I am a private detective. I am looking for some tools for my trade that would help me with my arts" says Mac

"Excuse me?" retorted the owner confused

"Mac, I really think we should be going to the convention. We want to get there early so we get a good spot." Says Charlie

"ok, fine. We'll stop by on our way back." said Mac as he contined walking straight.

"Excuse me, can I interest you gentelmen in a fine cokabola pen. Made from pure 100% pure cokabola wood" said a man attending a cart in the middle of the walking path.

"Well, not really, we-" said Mac before being inturuped by Charlie

"Hey, check it out" - said Charlie

"Dude" said Mac

"Excuse me sir. Yes, I am an esteemed professional. I specialize in bird law servies, and this is my associate who happens to be a licensed private detective. We would like to browse around as we are in a need of a professional quality writing instrument." said Charlie

"Yes. We have a certificate of authenticity that is indeed 100% pure cokabola wood made pen. They are $15.00, two for $25." said the cart attendend in his Isralie accent.

"Those are kinda cool" said Mac, "We should get two. Its looks like one of those James Bond pens that I can neutralize my opponents while doing my PI work."

"We'll take two please." said Charlie

"That will be $26.75" replied the Israeli sales clerk as Charlie paid him.

"I think we should later try my idea where we let a mouse loose and get a free meal from the food court." said Charlie

"Dude, ok, but where are you going to get a mouse." said Mac

"I mean I am sure theres' a pet, or we could just catch a rat." said Charlie

"Ok, but a mouse will probably cost more than whatever free meal we get. It would make more sense to get a rat. Besides, there's scarier." said Mac

"Ok, we'll figure it out later." said Charlie


	2. Chapter 2 --It can Drive you to the Moon

**Better Call the Bird Lawyer**

 **Chapter 2**

"It can Drive you to the Moon and Back

 _Some Year between 2017 and 2021_

 _Day -7 (negative 7)_

 _The Month of September_

 _Jimmy's Apartment_

 _9:30 PM_

 _(author's note: Chapter 1, Mall Mice was day 0. All chapters henceforth will have a day number to give some semblance of when the story takes place – in addition to giving the Month)_

Jimmy sits alone in his apartment, reflecting how his life has turned out. Taking a swig of a local beer bottle, he watches another tape of his early layering career. Slightly entertaing the idea of suicide, then backtacks thinking "Nah." He then pressed pause on the VCR and decided to step outside.

"Hi Miss Tracy" - said Jimmy to his elderly neighbor as she waved back

 _I guess its not THAT bad. I've been in this new city for almost two 2 months now and even though I haven't made any new friends, at least I've made several acquaintances. Hey, I got at least some 15 good years left, 25 total before I kick the bucket for good. I sure miss doing legal work though; hell, even the boring bitch work reserved for the paralegals would be pretty great at this point. I suppose it is what it is. Could have been a lot worse._ – Jimmy thought to himself as he stared from the top of the balcony staring down at the communal pool in the center of the apartment complex.

Below, between two lawn chairs 3 black cats, not sure if wild or owned, were play fighting as Jimmy watched. " _My money would be on the one of the left_ " Jimmy thought. He eventually got bored and decided to head back to his apartment.

" _Maybe I will go out tomorrow; and hell, possibly even get laid. There's plenty of seedy bars in this area. Hey, maybe I can get me a younger woman, someone in her early 50's with a nice pair of tiddies if I am lucky_ " - thought Jimmy as he went back to his apartment. He looked at the loaded gun over at the other end of his apartment. "Nah, I guess I won't be using that for at least a long while. Heh heh" - Thought Jimmy.

He then proceeded to his TV and hit the source button, switching from his VCR to cable. "Lets see whats on. 'Last Comic Standing'. _Yeah, ok I can go ahead and watch that;_ thought Jimmy as he made a decision between live TV, his Xbox, and old DVDs lying around. Jimmy watched the full episode of Last Comic Standing, then turned off the TV.

"Fuck it" - said Jimmy.

Jimmy stepped outside his apartment and walked down and then towards his car. After a little over 5 years and a half years of agonizing and waffling, Jimmy finally makes the decision to break the "vacuum guy's rule" once and for all and decided to go out.

Jimmy has already been bending the rule a little bit at a time, but this is the first time he is about to fully break it. After battleing mild depressing and being in a funk, Jimmy figured if he's gonna die anway; then fuck it, better get killed by Jack Welker and his neo-NAZI minions than by his own hand.

"I can't live like this. Not like this. Its like life in prison in this apartment" thought Jimmy, as he started his car and drove to the seedy part of town with bars.

 _\- near a bar named King Me -_

Jimmy found a free parking space by the street, pulls out a coin and steps out of the car. Looking around, he flips the coin.

"Tails, turn left, heads, turn right" thought Jimmy.

"Tails! Left it is."

Jimmy walked till the end of the block and repeated the process, turning right this time. Eventually, Jimmy found a bar; a dive bar, most likely filled with locals, named King Me with pictures of checker pieces jumping over each other.

As he entered the bar, looking around, Jimmy was displeased with the bar's sex ratio.

"Screw it, I'd just settle for making new friends in town" thought Jimmy

Jimmy walks up to the bar and sees an old guy, likely a regular chatting up with the bartender. Likely a regular. Maybe he can jump in the conversation, a skill Jimmy was very good at although perhaps a bit rusty these days.

"Your car still running good" asked the bartender

"Yeah. Just replaced some stuff. Set me back 500 bucks. But still running fine after over 150 thousand miles on it." Said the old man at the bar

"Just like my wife." joked the bartender

"In her 50's, but knows how to take care off you if you know what I mean"

"heh heh. Heard that" replied the old man, then continued

"It's a Dodge, good ole American cars. Only kind I buy."

"Well, I drive a Honda. I hope you won't hold that against me." said the bartender.

"Nah. Don't blame ya. Honda's run pretty good. I mean they're Jap cars, but still."

"Hey, in **my** defense. They're **build** in the US. By US workers. So there's that." replied the bartender.

"Fair enough. I guess I won't shortchange you on your tip for driving a Honda" joked the old man.

"Good to see you didn't have a Fit over it. Heh heh." Jimmy thought, wanting to make that pun, but was too nervous to intervene in a random strangers' conversation. Guess his nerve and social skills aren't what they used to be.

"But hey, I wouldn't trade my Dodge for the world. I mean that car would go to the moon and back for me." said the old man

"literally!" interjected Jimmy out of nowhere

"What?!" asked the bartender.

"I meant the moon." said Jimmy

The old man and the bartender both looked confused.

"I mean the moon is only about 240 thousand miles away from Earth. That's like about how many miles cars can put on them in their lifetime before they go kapoot. said Jimmy, then paused

"So really. If you think about it, yes, your car can literally take you to the moon and back."

"Hym!" said the old man intriguingly.

"Well, ok, maybe not back. Just one way trip. I mean maybe in like 30 years, cars made then can push 500k."

"And ok, I don't mean literally. I mean that whole gravity thing, your car won't literally make it to the moon. But you know what I mean" said Jimmy

"Wow. That's an interesting way of looking at it." said the old man.

"Well, I don't really want to go to the moon anyway, so it don't really matter. But I tell you want. I would like to go on a trip around the world and circle the globe. You know, get the hell outta this place for a while. You think an old car made in the 90's can handle that." said the bartender

"sssheeeeeeeeeeeeee…", said Jimmy, then continued.

"That ain't nothing. The Earth is only 25 thousand miles round. I mean if you buy a brand new car, go around the entire planet, you still will be within your warranty. Man, come on. Shoot for the moon."

"Man, that should be a slogan. We can take you to the moon." joked the bartender.

"Good point, maybe we can pitch that to an ad agency. Split the cash 3 ways"said Jimmy

"3?" said the bartender

"Well yeah, we have to give him something so he won't steal our idea" said Jimmy, pointing to the old man

"Nah, I won't, I swear" said the old man, then continued

"You sound like an ad agent yourself. Like one of em mad men types." joked the old man

"Nah." said Jimmy

"Ok then, a lawyer. That's my 2nd guess." joked the old man

"Whoa. You got me" said Jimmy

"But seriously, I am just a manager at a Cinnamon Bun place down at the mall" said Jimmy

"btw, Jimmy." extending his hand.

"Robert" said the old man, then continued

"Listen, I got to go. Sorry about that. The misses will complain if I don't get home." said the old man and left

"Maybe she'll take care of you tonight" joked Jimmy

"Wow, the mall. You don't say" said the bartender, then continued

"My wife likes to go there. That's where half my paycheck goes." said the bartender

"Yeah, sorry about that. I guess some of that money goes to me. Here's an extra tip to make up for it." "

Wow, thank you sir."

"Well, I guess I will be heading out in about 30 minutes myself. Gotta get up to work early." – said Jimmy

"Heard that. " said the bartender, as he finished up his shift

 _Several more customers walked in and Jimmy went over to the Jukebox and looked for a song to play. Hey, there's a few tracks by "Barrie Cadogan" thought Jimmy as he put his last quarter, the one that he flipped which led him to this bar._

From the corner of his eyes, he see's two young men who just entered, about 5 minutes apart, attempting to pull the infamous "coin" trick." Jimmy stuck around for about 20 to see how the trick plays out, which eventually worked on some gullible poor soul. Jimmy laughed in amusement as he made his way out back back to his car.


	3. Chapter 3 -- the Convention Center

**Better Call the Bird Lawyer**

 **Chapter 3**

"Mall Mice"

 _Some Year between 2017 and 2021_

 _The Month of September_

 _Day 0_

 _The Omaha Mall_

 _1:00 PM_

 _(author's note, originally, in Chapter 1, the time should have been AM, not PM. That was my bad.)_

Mac and Charlie are eating a burger along with some random junk that they've found in the food court, talking, and planning the rest of their day.

"Man, I am telling you Mac. We should totally try my mouse idea." said Charlie

"Ok, but Charlie, I am have some serious ethical concerns doing this." said Mac

"What, what do you mean. I mean they make like a million bucks a day at this place. Its not like five bucks will make a difference or anything." said Charlie

"What. No. No Charlie, thats not what I am talking about." said Mac, then contiued

"No. I mean I don't think its fair that the innocent mouse, or rat, has to die. I have serious animal rights reservetions about this,and I will not stand for it." said Mac, taking another bite of his burger

"I mean, yeah, I get what you're saying dude, but then we can be like 'ok guys, you caught the mouse, but you dont have to kill it, we just want our free food'" said Charlie

"What. No. No, Charlie, what are you talking about. Thats not how it works. Thats not how any of this works. Once they see a mouse after we complain, they're gonna have to kill it. Dude, theres like no wiggle room there" said Mac, angrily

"Ok, well, we'll figure something out later. But dude, we have to get going." said Charlie

*ring ring*

"Hey Dennis whats up." said Mac

"So how's the convention?" Dennis asked

"Yeah, we're almost there. " said Mac, as he and Charlie were walking down across a pedestrain overpass connection connecting the Convention Center and the Mall

"What!" yelled Dennis, highly agitaged

"What do you mean what" Mac

"What the hell are you doing dude. You're supposed to have been there 2 hours ago."

"Whoa, whoa dude. We found this really cool Magic Shop. It gotts all kinds of stuff I can use to make stuff disappear like a PI" said Mac

"And I gave my business card to a prospective client. I think he might need a bird laywer" added Charlie

"And we bought these badass cokabola pens" added Mac

"What. No. No, we're not doing your bird law thing. We're not doing your PI stuff. You're supposed to go straight to the convention center and promote Paddy's Pub Dick Towels ™." yelled Dennis, highly agitaged

"ok, *sigh* fine" said Mac, and hanged up the phone

"Unbeliable!" said Dennis.

"What was all that about" Asked Dee

"Mind your own business Dee" said Dennis.

"Hey, look at the traffic. That's pretty cool looking at how people manuver the traffic and lights and shit. Its almost like a video or a screen saver. We should film it and make a movie" said Charlie, looking down at pedestrian and car traffic below

"Dude, no, we're already late. We don't have time for that. Besides, how are you gonna make a movie." said Mac

"Well, you just tape it. What you do mean how you make a film." replied Charlie

"No, I mean if you film people, you need their permission to get rights." said Mac

"No dude, we learned this in law class. Its called Fair Use. How you think google gets away with it when they make their maps"

"Well, because they're Google. They are geniuses. They know all the law loopholes. And they just buy off all the good Jew lawyers and bribe the judges"

"Well, yeah, they're geniuses, but they're not law geniuses. They're computer geniuses. That's like two different things" said Charlie.

"Ok, I guess" said Mac

They walk in the double door into the convention hall.

"The sign in sheet is right over there. Welcome" said the greeter.

"And you are?" continued the greeter

"Oh hi, we are from the Reynolds party." said Mac

"Right this way. Your booth number is 238" said the greeter

In a hushed tone, Charlie says to the greeter "listen, I know we're running a bit late, and we didn't get here on time you know because of the traffic and stuff. But how about we ask our Washington friend and maybe bump us up a seat" says Charlie, attempting to bribe the greeter with a 1 dollar bill.

"The booths are pre-reserved. Your arrival has no bearing." said the greeter

"Well, ok, yeah. But I mean I am a lawyer. You're a man of the law I presume. We both respect each other, we both know how these things go. I mean theres like always a little wiggle room, I mean theres always upgrades for booths and stuff." said Charlie

"The booths are pre-reserved." repeated the greeter, sternly

"It's a good location." he added.

Mac and Charlie contiued walking towards their booth. Then they both yelled in unison.

"Eeehhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Hhhhheeeyyyyy."

"Hey, whats up guys." said Cricket

"Criiiickkkeettttt. Rickitdy cricket. Heyyyyyy, long time no see." said Charlie

"Hey, where have you guys been. Whats up. Ready to do this." said Cricket, finishing up setting up the booth with Dick Towel merchandise.

"Whats up man. How you been." added Charlie, excited

As the day went, a couple of customers stopped by. The booth, surprisingly made more than that expected; especially considering that Cricket was manning the booth. Cricket managed to make a good amount of sales prior to Mac and Charlie's arrial, inspite-of all the merchandise not being 100% out yet. His upbeat, crack-addicted personality paid off- for once.

A serious looking businessman with a three-piece, solid black, suit and tie walked up. Bursting out with sudden laugher.

"Oh man, thats funny. Wait until I tell the whole office about this. Hey, how much are these."

The rest couple of hours went suprising well, with Charlie, Mac, and Cricket making some $1200 in profit in a span of their 10 hour shift. This in spite of the overpriced booth they picked, Mac and Charlie being late two hours to their booth, exceesive number of breaks all three took, and the possibility of Cricket may or may have been pocketing some of the cash for himself.

Meanwhile, during one of such breaks:

"Ok guys, I am gonna take a break and check this place out." said Mac, as he headed out to visit all the other stores in the convetion

"Ok, see ya." said Charlie and Cricket in unison

"Oh, check these out" said Mac to himself, as he saw a booth that sold brass knuckles and tasers.

"May I help you." said the merchant

After chatting up the merchant, Mac learns that the guy is selling surplus police equipment. At least just the stuff legally avaible to civilians.

"You know, I don't get it. How come we can't legally buy bullet-proof vest." asked Mac

"Nanny state bullshit." said the merchant

"Well yeah, I get that. I am just saying we have the 2nd amendment, which means we can like buy guns. You can actually kill people with them. But like, dude, body armor, thats like a defensive weapon. It doesn't kill people, it keeps people from getting killed. Shouldn't like that be covered by the 2nd amendment as well. If you're gonna have a nanny state, at least be consistant about it." asked Mac

"Beats me. Thats the government for ya." said the merchant, continued

"Hey, what business are you in exactly, mind me asking"

"Well, me and my associate sell 'dick towels'. Trademark." said Mac

The merchant had a confused look on his face.

"Oh yeah. Also, I am traing to be a private detective. Here's my card, if we need each other for services." said Mac, as he walked away, with the merchant being a bit puzzled.

As the day starting coming to a close, the trio started closing down shop. Mac and Charlie handed Cricket $100 in cash for his work, adding to Cricket's current $200 total in his pocket.

"Woah, thanks you guys" said Crickett excitedly, not having made more than minimum wage in quite some time

"Man, I am starving. Lets get back to the mall before it closes." said Mac

"Ok," said Charlie, as they exited out, leaving Crickett with the task of packing up all the unsold merchandise and left, this time through a discount, creepy parking garage instead of the overpass. A shaddy man, possibly with plans of breaking into some of the cars, walks past them. Mac has his fist equipped with the set of brass knockless purchased earilier, secretly hoping someone would try to rob them so that he'd have an excuse to use them. Suddenly out of nowhere, a rat quickly runs across.

"Whoa, did you see that Charlie." said Mac

"Yeah, I did." said Charlie

"Ok, so whats your plan." said Mac

Charlie gets closer, with open hands with the plan of catching the wild rat with his bare hands. Unfortunatly, the rat gets startled and runs away through a crack.

"Man, I am telling you Charlie. You make too much noise. Next time you should let me handle it. I am sneaky like a ninja. I am a private detective in training." said Mac, as they continued towards the mall


	4. Chapter 4 -- the Vacuum Guy

**Better Call the Bird Lawyer**

 **Chapter 4**

"The Vacuum Guy"

 _Some Year between 2016 and 2020_

 _The Month of September_

 _Day **-** 365_

 _Jimmy's Appartment_

 _7:00 PM_

Jimmy just got back from his shift at the mall and entered his appartment. Midly depressed, he turned on the TV. Watched a few clips of his old trials until he got bored and/or depressed with watching that. He then switch the source on his TV with the other remote control and grabbed his Xbox controller and a bottle of beer. "Ah, GTA 4, my faviorite to get me out of my slump." thought Jimmy as he loaded his saved game and continued playing, slowly sipping his beer.

**knock knock**

"Just a minute" said Jimmy, pausing his game.

Jimmy openned the door and it was the Vacuum Guy, some 90 minutes early. He brought in Jimmy's grocieries and other personal items.

"Hey, you're early" said Jimmy

"We need to talk." said the Vacuum Guy

"Um. Ok. About what?" said Jimmy, as the Vacuum Guy takes a look around the apartment. A huge mess, looking like a 20 year old single guy living there.

"Well, I'll cut to the chase. It has come to my attention that you have been bending my rules a bit regardring not socializing with people." said the Vacumm Guy

"Ok, well, do you _want_ me be here like a prisonaire. I mean face it, I have like some 10, 15 good years left, tops. I am gonna die from old age soon enough anyway. Come ahonnnnnn [phonetic spelling]. Give a guy a break. I've been following your rules for the most part." pleded Jimmy

"And besides, I have a gut feeling that the mobsters, if any surivived, are all gone or have moved on with their lives and totally forgot about me." continued Jimmy

"Look man. I symphathize. I really do. You've done a pretty good job keeping a low profile. And to be honest, I don't blame you. But. Rules are rules. If you're that confidenent that you don't need my services, fair enough I guess." said the Vacuum Guy

"Ok, I'll tell you want. Tell me when I went too far, give me a list of all my offenses. I'll take a look at it and promise not to do that again. I mean I can cut my chit chat with my elerly neighbor down to four minutes from my current five if that's what you want." said Jimmy

"Sorry Jimmy." said the Vacuum Guy, as Jimmy stood there with a deer-in-a-headlights look

"This is my last visit. Here is $13,532 and 34 cents for any unpaid servies, less fees and fines. I am assuming you want that in cash. Or I could put it in a bank account, less a 20% fee; or Bit Coin, less 10%" said the Vacuum Guy

"Cash is fine." said Jimmy

"Wait, what? Fees and fines?" added Jimmy

"Its in our verbal contract. You had 45 unauthorized minor interactions, $10 fine each, 18 moderate level unauthorized interactions $20 fine each, 15 minor unauthorized exits from your appartment, $25 each, and 2 major unauthorized interactions, $100 fine each. Plus the $2,000 cancellation fee." said the Vacuum Guy sternly

"Nickels and dimes, they add up I guess" said Jimmy, then contined

"Well, can I at least look at your list of violations. I am sure I'll find an inaccuracy or two." said Jimmy

The Vacuum Guy looked bewildered, a bit shocked. Neither he nor Jimmy was particularly strapped for cash. Rather, their problem was moreso how to spend it. Without raising suspicions that is. Why would Jimmy argue over a grand or two? Also, letting Jimmy see the list was a security risk the Vacuum Guy did not want to take. "What do you think this is" thought the Vacuum Guy, but decided to not say it.

"For safty reasons, the list of violations is non-reviable, we both know that." said the Vacuum Guy

"What are you some kind of lawyer." added the Vacuum Guy. A short, unconfomfortable silence followed. Then they both laughed.

"Also, if we're being honest, its a bit unfair that I eat the cancelation loss even though you are terminating this deal. I mean, yeah, we had an agreement, I get that. But you won't even tell me what I did, and besides..." added Jimmy, until the Vacuum Guy shushed him.

*sigh* the Vacuum Guy sighed

"I'll waive off all the fines. And. I'll cut the cancellation fee in half." said the Vacuum Guy reluctantly, taking out his smart phone, doing math on his calculator

"Your final total is $15,917 and 34 cents. Again, I am assuming that you want that in cash." said the Vacuum Guy, quickly weighing the options and picking the least bad one.

Jimmy, either motivated by prinicple or still has some lawyer in him. The Vacuum Guy, clearly unhappy that he just rewared Jimmy's 'bad behavior,' the lawyering that is. The alternative was risking converting Jimmy into a loose cannon. The thrid option was ending Jimmy right there and now, which comes with its own risks; as the Vacuum Guy examined the room, seeing Jimmy's unattended open beer bottle, amother other easy targets.

"Well, I guess this is goodbye. Probabbly best for the both of us to end this arrengment." said Jimmy, which both men nodded in agreement.

"I mean, whats the worst that can happen, they take my life, the last 10 to 15 good years or whatever is left." added Jimmy

The Vacuum Guy took out the list of Jimmy's violations as if he was about to hand it to him. Before Jimmy had a chance to grab it, the Vacuum Guy burned it with a cheap lighter.

"My advice. Have a cyanide pill ready just in case. If your life is not an important to you, at least pain aversion should be." said the Vacuum Guy

"Wow, gee, thanks. So how much for that bit of advice. Twenty bucks, twenty-five" said Jimmy

"That one's free. Also, some more free advice. Stay away from the violent video games and movies, also spy movies or novels." said the Vacuum Guy, nodding towards the TV, "Stick with Pac-Man will ya. Paranoia and bad dreams is the last thing a guy like you needs right now."

"Well, thanks. Should I also remember to wear protection with any women I meet in seedy bars." said Jimmy, sacastically and with disdain, "Any more of your brilliant words of wisdom I should hear about."

The Vacuum Guy looked around Jimmy's apartment, looked at Jimmy, and they shook has before parting for good.

"And clean up this pig style of yours" said the Vacuum Guy


	5. Chapter 5 -- Airport

**Better Call the Bird Lawyer**

 **Chapter 5**

"Airport"

 _Some Year between 2017 and 2021_

 _The Month of September_

 _Day 0_

 _The Omaha Mall_

 _9:15 PM_

After the rat had gotten away at the creepy parking lot, not the same one Charlie and Mac parked at, they continued their way back to the mall, looking to get a quick grab to each. They walked over the overpass and into the food court area. Unfortunately for them, most of the food places began closing down for the day. Frustrated, they continued walking down the path where they both their pens, also closing down.

"Oh my God, I just had an awesome idea." explained Mac, pointing to the cart

"What is it Mac." asked Charlie

"Dude, we should totally get in on that." said Mac, all excited

"You think we should sell pens?" asked Charlie, confused

"No dude. I mean we can totally sell our dicktowels and Paddy's merchandise here." said Mac

"Well, ok, but I mean, shouldn't we like discuss that with Dee and Dennis. Besides dude, I think it would be better if we set up shop closer to home." said Charlie

"Well, no dude, the market is already saturated. Besides, how are we gonna expand if all we do is do business in Philadelphia." said Mac

"Well, yeah. I guess thats a good idea. I think we should ask someone about that. Hey, that guy probably knows." said Charlie, pointing to Jimmy

Jimmy began closing shop. He was one of the last people closing, dedicated to starting his new life as much as he could. He had a few uneaten cinnamon buns left, which he proceeded to throw away.

"Excuse me good sir, we would like to inquire about opening a cart of our own." said Charlie, in his annoying, fake voice

"Dude, what are you doing." Mac quietly nudged Charlie

"Well fellas, you'd have to go talk to the management office. They're down on the first floor, where security is. Unfortunately, they're closed by now. Yeah, they close early, sometime around 6 pm. Maybe you can catch them tomorrow." said Jimmy

"Well, we are only here one day. We're leaving tonight." said Mac

"Well that's too bad. Um, tell you what. Here's their business card. If you wanna open shop, just call this number and they'll set you up." said Jimmy

"Heh. Thats the third person this month." thought Jimmy

"Also, dude, we're like super hungry. How much for the buns." said Mac

"Sorry fellas. But I am closing up here." said Jimmy

"You know what. On the house. Just take 'em." continued Jimmy, handing them the left overs he was just about to throw out anyway.

"Sweet." said Charlie, as they walked off. About three-fourths of the merchants had closed down for the day already. They continued, until they existed out the mall and walked towards their parking lot. They got in, as Mac took out his parking validation ticket and gave it to the attended, driving off straight to the airport.

They had been in the city for only a full day, on the cheapest standby tickets; possibly some scheme Frank and Dennis cooked up. The money to pay for the tickets came from Paddy's Pub corporate account for it to qualify as a tax write-off business expense. Meanwhile, most of the sales were cash; with less than honest tax fillings. Omaha, Nebraska just their fifth small town they hit, with Dee and the Mcpoyles being part of the next rotation.

Meanwhile, at the airport

Cricket pulled in his rental van up at the airport in the freight loading parking lot. Ignoring the "15 minutes minimum parking lot" sign, he began stuffing the leftover merchandise, somewhat lighter than when Mac and Charlie left him. After having loaded the van all by himself, he was now loading the freight to be shipping directly to the next city. A man walked by, giggling as he saw the towels and other merchandise.

"Oh hey there. Where can I get these" asked the man

"Oh, well, I guess you can just get them right now. $15 bucks plus shipping and handling. Just let me get my books, so I can remember to report it to the IRS." said Cricket, winking

"Um, shipping and handling?" asked the man, confused

"Well, it got shipped here. And I am handling it." said Cricket, as the man gave him a weird look

"Nah, just messing with you. 15 bucks." said Cricket, and they made the transaction.

Suddenly, several more people showed up, causing a ruckus. "15 bucks, 40 for 3" said Cricket as he made a quick $200 just before finishing up loading. Meanwhile, and angry security guy came by.

"Hey, whats that ruckus, move your stuff along," yelled the airport security guard, "This ain't no flee market. This is a loading area, 15 minutes max. Move along or I'll have _you_ removed from this airport."

"Alright, I am just waiting for my ride. Jesus." said Cricket, as he finished loading, stuffing whatever he could into his personal travel bag for himself, as Charlie and Mac just pulled up.

"Man, you guys are 10 minutes late. I almost got arrested or had the van impounded." said Cricket angrily.

"Hey, I saw you selling some of our stuff, what was all that about." asked Mac

"Hey. Hey" yelled the security guy

"Oh yeah, some people came by at the last minute. Since I was waiting for you guys, I figured I make a few last minute sales. Here's $120 I just made." said Cricket, giving Mac and Charlie each $60, while secretly pocketing a little over $80 for himself.

"Good thinking on your feet Cricket." said Charlie

"Hey assholes. Move your shit or I am calling the real cops." yelled the guard, finally getting their attention.

"Alright, geez" said Mac, as Cricket handed back the keys to a guy working for the van company. The guy apologized to the security guard, unhappy with the trio for making him and his company look bad. Cricket picked up his luggage, which contained mostly stolen Paddy Pub's merchandise as he brazenly got in Mac's car with it, as they drove to another part of the airport; and turned in their rental keys for Mac's car.

The made their way into the airport, dropped off their luggage, and proceeded to the terminal. With their standby tickets, they finally got called and got on the airplane back to Philadelphia.

"Man, dude, we totally should tell Dennis and Dee our awesome plan. This is way better than their idea to sell the stuff at bartender's conventions." said Mac

"I know right." said Charlie

"Well guys. But what about me. I have a pretty sweet gig here." protested Cricket

"Well, dude. We can hire you do sell our stuff at the mall instead. I mean its not like Dennis owns you or anything." said Mac

"Sweet." said Cricket


	6. Chapter 6 -- Causal Encounter

**Better Call the Bird Lawyer**

 **Chapter 6**

"Casual Encounter"

 _Some Year between 2017 and 2020_

 _The Month of January_

 _Day **-240**_

 _Omaha Mall_

 _6:15 PM_

Some 8 months prior to having met Charlie and Mac, Jimmy just finished up his shift. Having counted the money and inventory, Jimmy heads out; while overhearing two fellow merchants talking. He overhears that they are planning a get together in a local bar, which he is debating if he should ask to join. He has slowly befriend several of his fellow merchants, but still has them at arms length. Struggling with his self-conflicted self, Jimmy decides at the last second to _not_ ask. Had this been a conversation to meet in one's house rather than a bar, it wouldn't even have been close.

Jimmy heads out as he would normally out to mall, and to his car, until he spots the arcade game room, adjacent to a closed down theater. "Fuck it" thought Jimmy, as he puts in three $20 in the change breaking machine getting $60 worth of quarters, surprised that the machine still has that many quarters. He then plays mostly single player games: pinball, PacMan, Space Invaders, Street Fighter on single player mode. He saw a young man, mid-twenties looking to playing air-hockey, which Jimmy reluctantly approached him, offering to pay.

"Yeah, sure, one round I guess. My girlfriend is waiting for me." said the young man. They played for some 5 minutes as he beat Jimmy 7 to 3. "Good game." said the young man as he shook Jimmy's hand and walked off.

Jimmy went back to playing PacMan, spent some good hour doing so. Not much of a gamer himself, but with the new life he started, sure why not. Anything to fight off depression, put it off as long as possible. Despite his mild depression, Jimmy's life wasn't yet over. "Hey, not bad." said a random person watching Jimmy for some 15 minutes now, as Jimmy was greeted by a "Game Over" screen.

"Oh hi. Yeah, no I am just killing time. PacMan isn't not my thing. I am more of a GTA guy myself. Just got stuck on the part where you have to race Brucie. Figure I'd take a break and play a non-violent game for a change. Otherwise I get all paranoid and stuff." said Jimmy

"Man, GTA V is much better. What are you still doing with IV." said the random person

"Well, yeah, but I feel like I have to beat it." replied Jimmy.

"Yeah, fair enough I guess. Take care man." replied the random person.

"Hey wait a minute. You're that guy at the Cinnamon Bun place." added

"Guilty as charged." said Jimmy

"Well, I got to get going." replied the random person

"Well, they're gonna close down this mall in like 30 minutes. The security will kick you out anyway, whether you like it or not." joked Jimmy, as he stayed for another 5 minutes and left.

Back at Jimmy's apartment

9:30 PM

Jimmy gets to his apartment and begins his usual routine. Opens up a beer, and having to decide between watching trial tapes of his old cases vs GTA, he decides to go with his old cases, as he switches between the modes. While going through the connected-to-PC mode, a push notification pops up on his screen.

"Re- causal encounter, I am 37 WF4M, check out my pics at some link/ hope to see you soon." read the message.

"God damn spammer." thought Jimmy.

Satisfied with how the day went in the arcade, the progress in his ability to slowly start interacting with people again, Jimmy pauses the tape. He then walked into his closet. Hidden behind several items, some $35,000 to $50,000 in cash just sat there.

Jimmy weighed carefully between two options, getting (or trying to) free one night stands from internet sites, or just straight up paying for it. Certainly, escort services had their benefits of the women not wanting a relationship, which is good for keeping a low profile. Money clearly not being a factor, as doing the math in his head, with some 10, 15, maybe 20 years left; Jimmy figured he could drop a $100 about every other week., or a high-end escort once a week easily. The downside of course is the risk of undercover cops busting him, which would certainly not be good for keeping a low profile.

"Nah!" thought Jimmy, waiving off his options, deciding to do neither. Although finally free from his "vacuum guy's" rules, Jimmy still lacked the full confidence. Logically, the gangsters from the blue meth business likely would have forgotten about him by now, if still alive and not in jail. Logically, if Jimmy were to die by his own hand anyway, or 20 years later from old age, would it really matter if a neo-Nazi or whatever was left of Salamanca's or Guy's crew did him in few months prior. Logically, the feds wouldn't have a good case against Jimmy even if he was a person of interest and they got to him, never mind the statues of limitations on most of Jimmy's alleged crimes. Logically, come on, its not like one of Mike's old cop buddies _all the way from Philadelphia_ would pay him a visit or anything, scoffed Jimmy.

On the logically level, Jimmy is fully aware that too much time has passed to worry about the Vacuum Guy's rules. Its the emotional level, the paranoia, that is doing Jimmy in. As Jimmy, dazing off in his own thoughts, snaps out of it, and covers back the money, making his way back to his couch. Jimmy cracks open a beer, and unpauses the tape of another one of his old trials. He then takes out his phone and orders pizza. Old pizza boxes, at least one with flies swarming around, littered the apartment. Reliving his old memories, Jimmy slowly drifts asleep.

*knock knock* "Come on open up. Come on man, I know you're in there. "

Jimmy startled, wakes up from his sleep. "Oh shit."

"Come on, I ain't got all day." yelled the pizza guy as Jimmy rushed to the door

"Sorry man, I feel asleep again. You know, when you're my age." apologized Jimmy, as he handed the pizza guy a rather large tip to compensate for the inconvenience

"Fair enough. I guess it happens." said the pizza guy as he left

Another push message from gmail came on Jimmy's screen.

"Re- Casual Encounter 49 WF4M, chubby with large breasts. Cum message me some link/" read the message.

"Man, god damn the spammers. Damn 'em all to hell. I guess maybe craigslist isn't my thing. Grinder or ? Maybe?" thought Jimmy


	7. Chapter 7 -- Return to the Mall

**Better Call the Bird Lawyer**

 **Chapter 7**

"Return to the Mall"

 _Some Year between 2017 and 2021_

 _The Month of September_

 _Day 1_

 _Paddy's Pub, Philadelphia_

 _10:15 AM_

"I am telling you guys, thats an awesome idea." said Mac

"No, no, no dude, that's a retarded idea" retorted Dennis

"Come on, back me up on this Frank, Dee" said Mac

"No way. Do you have any idea how much we save on taxes by selling our merchandise in conventions instead of the mall. Especially from cash only customers." said Frank

"Ok, well, this would be an all-year round thing, and besides, we'll save money on airfare" said Mac

"And besides, Frank, you _did_ say that I should think about leaving the nest anyway " said Charlie

"Shut up, let me do the talking." said Mac, interrupting Charlie, in case he says something dumb hurting their case

"Ok, but what about rent. I am sure its higher in malls than what convention centers charge. And what about rent for your apartment." retorted Dennis

"Well, you know what. Look at the money we save on rent if we don't live in Philadelphia." said Mac

"Actually, doing the math, you all kind of break even. It wouldn't hurt to diversify" said Dee, doing calculations on her phone

"Shut up Dee, no one is talking to you." said Dennis

"Well, ok, you know what. How about we do our thing, and you do your thing. How about that." said Charlie

"Yeah, ok, fine. Fine!" said Dennis.

"Seriously, that kind of is a good idea." whispered Dennis to Frank, as the gang started arguing over how to split up the profits / merchandise.

Frank eventually calms everyone down and suggests that Mac and Charlie should get to buy the merchandise directly from Paddy's Pub pennies on the dollar on paper to lower the overall tax burden, and then Mac and Charlie would pay the difference in cash under the table.

"Ok, but we call dibs on Cricket." said Charlie

"Yeah, that reminds me. While crunching the numbers, I couldn't help noticing every-time Cricket was involved, on average, we're short about $300 per shift." said Dennis, sternly

"What, Cricket. No. Man, dude, I am sure its just a misunderstanding, you know, like less a 100 one shift, more 100 another shift, no ones counting cause its, you know, off the books and stuff" said Charlie

"What. What. No, what are you talking about. Dude, Cricket is stealing from us. We need to get rid of him ASAP." said Dennis

"Yeah, you know guys, it wouldn't hurt for me to be involved in the operation. I bet I can outsell all you clowns" said Dee

"Shut up Dee" said Dennis

"Heyyyy, what up guys" said Cricket, as he walked into the bar

Frank, Dennis, and Dee looked uncomfortable by the timing while Charlie and Mac got excited.

"Hey, whats going on." asked Cricket

"Dennis and Frank think you're stealing from the bar." said Mac, sternly

"Wha, whaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh." said Cricket

"Come on guys. You know me better than that." said Cricket

"Well, I think you're innocent, but dude, it does look bad." said Mac, sternly

"Come on guys, its Cricket. You all know Cricket, he's our Cricket." said Charlie

Cricket is feeling nervous, realizing he overdid it with the thefts. " _Man, I should have kept the thefts down to less than $75, I think I overdid it._ " thought Cricket

"Yeah, we know Cricket quite well. Its not helping your case." said Dennis

"Well, look, you say Pat-ah-toe, I say Potatoh, he-said, she-said, accounting error here, accounting error in the other direction there, its all good. Cricket's good." said Charlie, taking up for Cricket

"Ok, you know what. Fine. Whatever. If Cricket wants to work for you guys, fine. Just don't involve Paddy's Pub with this." said Dennis angrily, as he stormed out

Eventually, Cricket, Mac and Charlie got together by themselves, discussing the details. Cricket was feeling slightly guilty that Mac and Charlie just took up for him while he was stealing from the gang. But not quite guilty enough to actually return any of the money he stole, in light of his previous treatment by The Gang.

"Hey guys, check this out." said Cricket

Cricket opened up a duffel bag, full of Paddy Pub's merchandise that he managed to steal.

"Hey guys. Since Dennis and Frank are trying to cut you guys out, I decided to grab some Ts from the convention for you guys." said Cricket

"See, I told you he wasn't a thief. I knew there was an innocent explanation." said Charlie

"Well, dude, I mean, technically he is. I mean he's stealing from Dennis and Frank." said Mac

"Well, ok then, but he's doing it for our team. Just like we're helping Dennis and Frank steal from the IRS, because we're like a part of the larger team." said Charlie

"Yeah, exactly. So its not really stealing because we're all part of the big team, because, um..." Charlie said, confusing himself and Mac

"So we're doing this thing. Alright!" said Cricket

5 days later

Omaha, Nebraska

11:00 AM

After all the paperwork got settled, with Mac and Charlie moving out of the apartments and finding cheap housing (ghetto-ish area of Omaha, some 2 to 3 miles from Jimmy, 5 miles from the Omaha mall), Mac, Charlie, and Cricket landed and got out of the airport. To save a small amount of money, they directly got picked up in an old beat up car by a shady guy the met up from craigslist; who later drove them to a neutral location by a nearby DMV where he would officially sell them the car. As they took care of the registration paperwork, the guy drove off by his ride never to be seen again.

Once done, the trio left and drove off; driving for some 15 minutes until they got to Cricket's destination. Cricket's new apartment, even more run-down than what Mac and Charlie got; and living on a sketchy guy's couch instead of being a legitimate resident, cost Cricket $150 a month. Since his place is directly on the way from their apartment about 2 minutes away from theirs, the deal was that they would just pick him up and back for his shifts. The car was officially registered to be owned by their LLC, which allowed them to deduct millage from their taxes as well. After dropping off Cricket, Mac and Charlie drove to their new apartment and got settled in. Afterwards, they would drive to the mall to take care of the needed paperwork to set up shop.

"We're here to open up shop. We represent Paddy Pub Outlet, LLC" said Mac with excitement, as one of the managers nonchalantly hands him some paperwork.

"Cart or full sized store" said the manager

"Cart" said Mac

"Rent's $1,000. Or 10% of your revenue but no more than 25% of your profits. Whichever is greater." said the manager, continued

"Business hours are from 8:00 AM through 10:00 PM weekdays. If you are not open before 8:15 or close before 9:45, you will be fined up to $100. No profanity or obscene items. Food items require an additional form plus approval from the FDA. Do not physically apprehend or assault clients, including but not limited to alleged shoplifters, 10% discounts on all food items from the food court, valid only if you mention prior to getting rang up. Vending machines are in the controlled security areas on each floor. Long term contract parking is still available." said the manager nonchalantly, as if he had memorized the spiel word-for-word from saying it many times, taking a short pause

"By accepting the merchant contract, you consent to 24 hour video and audio monitoring, for your protection. If you volunteer to do parking validations for the customers, you get $50 off your monthly rent. In the event of multiple volunteers, validations will be done on rotating basis at the end of each month. All the further details are in the welcome packet. Please read carefully, initial each page, print and sign your name at the end. Here is your copy." said the manager, as Mac and Charlie left with the welcome packet, reading through the contract.

"Dude, I am getting kind of hungry." said Charlie

"Well, we discussed this. We need to be more frugal with our money." said Mac

"Ok, fine. How about something from this Cinnamon Bun place." said Mac

Mac and Charlie made their order as Jimmy said "That will be $7.19".

"Ok, but we have a mall discount. We are a new store, just moved in the mall." said Charlie

"Well, the discount only applies to the food court. This system isn't even set up for that. And besides, have you officially even opened up?" asked Jimmy. " _These guys look familiar?_ " thought Jimmy

"Oh come on man. We do our thing, you do your thing, we're all merchants here." said Charlie, pleading

"Tell you what. Just give me 6 bucks even" said Jimmy, not wanting to hold up the line too much, as Mac hands Jimmy a 5 and a 1 dollar bill as the two walk off.

Jimmy hits the void button on the machine, pocketing the $6, while adding 6 $1 bills to each of his best 6 employee's tip jar; dodging taxes and mall fees. While still highly hesitant bending the rule, is " _The Old Jimmy_ " back?


	8. Chapter 8 -- Roman!

**Better Call the Bird Lawyer**

 **Chapter 8**

"Roman!"

 _Some Year between 2017 and 2020_

 _The Month of May_

 _Day **-120**_

 _Location: Null Pointer Exception_

 _9:15 PM_

Jimmy is walking around in a quiet suburban neighborhood in the wee hours of the morning until he identifies the house. He then proceeds to slide underneath inside the crawl space hiding from the mobsters chasing him. He moves across and up through the opening of a floor and is now inside a garage. He sees a washer and dryer in the back row and slides the washer over openning up a hole in the wall. He looks inside and sees a ton of cash, mostly hundreds. "Bingo!" He sees an old beige Toyota which will be his get-away car; until suddently, he hears armed men approaching. "Crap!" He grabs some bills, whatever he can carry and slides the washer back.

He then proceeds and goes through an air-conditioning vent and climbs up one floor. When he exits he is inside a small room with two elevators and door exiting out to a staircase. He gets into the elevator and opens up an app on his phone and enters 13.5 and types in the password "Password%%1216". The elevators moves up to the 13th floor and then half way up and the elevators open. There is a hidden entrance that only Saul knows about, so he quickly slides through and then the elevator leavs. He can hear the footsteps of the gangers looking for him both on the 13th and the 14th floor, inside the stairwell as well as the elevators. They have him surrounded but don't know about his hiding spot. Jimmy looks around and sees the entire office building crawling with gangsters. He can see old Pam's desk with old memos on her desk. "HHM vs Graymatter" reads the letter head. "Updated Company 2016 Sexual Harassment Policy" reads another letterhead. Jimmy looks through the vent of the break room, and out the window. Out the window of the office building, he can clearly see the busy streets from a bird's eye view as the city's pedestrains are enjoying their noonish lunch hour away from work.

Through the AC vent he takes out his sniper rifle and aims at one of the gangsters. He shoots and a specially made tranquilizer dart shoots out and hits one of the gangsters as they're barking orders and trading information. "He's not on the 7th floor, we checked everywhere." "Ok, you go look on the 10th floor." Two minutes later after getting shot; the gangster suddenly feels ill and falls down but because it was some time ago after getting shot they can't identify when and where he got poisoned. Jimmy then walks down a crawl space to the 12.5th floor and shoots another gangster and overhears their computer guy. "Hey, I can hack into the crawl space through this app. He's probably hiding through a hidden passage somewhere. Don't worry most people are idiots. They pick easy to guess passwords and just add a number on top of it, sometimes just adding the '$' symbol to meet the password requirements. I will try "Password$" then just every number combination."

"Ha!" thought Jimmy. "I used percent symbols. Outsmarted you, hehe".

"And if that doesn't work, I will try the "%" symbol next" said the IT guy immediate after

"Oh shit, they're getting closer. Only matter of time before they will try two percent signs. I better think fast." Jimmy takes out his sniper rifle and aims for the gangster. This time he switched his gun and shot a real bullet killing one gangster. "Shit, which direction did that come from" – said the other gangsters. "I think it came from that vent"

Jimmy then moves across the vent smacking the metal pipe with his hand as he walked.

"We can hear him moving that way. Lets move"

Jimmy then stops and reverses his direction moving slowly and quietly. Looking at the gangsters move through the vents, he pictures the red dots spread out evenly; slowly staring to congregate in one area. The coast is clear. "Looks like I outsmarted them. I guess all the years of playing Pac-Mac paid off. Hehe".

"Ok, I am about to try two dollar signs. "Password$$0001" said the IT guy.

Cutting it real close. Jimmy exits the airvent and into a hidden staircase. Walking quietly down, his heart beating; floor 12.5, 11.5, 10.5…. 1.5. Almost here. He sees a door with a panel on it. "Password%%1261" Jimmy types and the door opens. Jimmy then goes through a hole in the wall, sees the cash he will leave behind and goes out the other end. Moving out the hole, he pushes the dryer out of his way and exits. He then pushes the dryer back, and makes a dash for it. Jimmy jumps into the old beige Honda and hits on the gas, heart pounding.

"Ring ring ring" Jimmy calls on his cell phone

"Roman, I got the cash. Not all of it, but a bunch of it."

"That's great. Come pick me at Elk Street. We go to safehouse afterwards."

"Ok, bye" replied Jimmy

Jimmy speeds away and see's one of the gangsters get into a car about to chase him. There are multiple factories surrounding Jimmy on both sides of the narrow road all closed during this time of night. Jimmy slows down to quiet the engine and drives into an abononed factory. Being the only car on the road, he knows he has to get away and move to a more traffic filled road. He quietly sits there for about 20 mintues lost in his thoughts waiting for the path to be clear. Looking at the oddometer, it reads 132,435. Damn, those Japanese sure make good cars. "Ok, the coast is clear".

Jimmy looses the gangsters, gets on the highway and meets Roman at Elk Street.

"Long time no see, good to see you" said Roman in his Eastern European accent.

"Yeah, thanks, we got to get the hell outta here" replied Jimmy, nervously with his heat poundingg, as he holding the bag of cash, counting Roman's share

"Relax man. You too nervous. Too paranoid. The coast is clear." said Roman, trying to clam down Jimmy but to no avail.

"Come on man. Mike will not catch us. He will not get to us all the way from Philadelphia. His short term memory is too fried, he's been smoking too much of those blue rocks man. " continued Roman, as he drove off the highway. Roman zig zaged through a creepy neighborhood and towards the safehouse. They both grabbed their bags of cash walking across the ghetho and made their way into their appartment.

"Ok, now the coast is clear." said Jimmy, finally convinced.

"What I tell you." said Roman, turning on the TV as they continued counting the money.

* knock knock* - "Suchi Express" said the young man on the other side of the door

" _Why did this idiot order suchi at a time like this._ " thought Jimmy

"Why you order Suchi?" asked Roman

"What, I ordered Suchi? I thought you ordered it." said Jimmy, as they both looked at each other nerviously. Jimmy slowly walk towards the door, his heart suddenly pounding as Roman got nervous.

"Suich Express, your order is here, anybody home." said the man, as the knocks grew louder and louder.

Jimmy and Roman slowly crept towards the door with their guns, Jimmy peaking through the peephole expecting an armed man.

** thump thump** the pounding on both the door and Jimmy's cheast grew louder and louder.

"Suchi Express, Suchi Express. Come on I can hear you in there." said the voice, as it grew louder and louder, Jimmy's heart pounding until it couldn't take it anymore.

Jimmy violently jolted out of his slumber on his couch with a cold sweat, and instinctively ran towards the door.

"Oh, sorry about that." said Jimmy, catching the delivery guy in the last second as he was walking away.

"Seriously dude." sighted the delivery guy

"Yeah man, I must have fallen asleep." said Jimmy, as he handed the delivery guy a $10 tip on a $20 order to compensate him for the annoyance.


	9. Chapter 9 -- From Philadelphia

**Better Call the Bird Lawyer**

 **Chapter 9**

"From Philadelphia"

 _Some Year between 2017 and 2021_

 _The Month of September_

 _Day 10_

 _Their apartments_

 _7:45 AM_

Mac, Charlie, and Cricket were procrastinating in getting ready for work. As Mac and Charlie picked up Cricket in their company car, they unexpectedly got stuck in traffic.

"God damnit it." yelled Mac, looking at the time on the car's dashboard

"Oh don't worry. I set the clock on the radio back a few minutes, that way we would think that we're behind. I mean I figured that would get us ready a lot quicker you know." said Charlie

"That's a good idea. Good thinking Charlie." said Mac, calming down some as their car slowly sped up to 30 mph on a 60.

"Wait, hold on." said Mac, with an 'oh shit' expression on his face as he realized something

"What is it Mac." asked Charlie

"Yeah man, what is it."

"Did you just say you set the radio clock back several minutes." said Mac, worryingly

"Yeah, exactly. Don't worry, he have plenty of time. I set all our clocks back in the apartment, that way we would think we're running late, but then we're not really running late. So its all cool." said Charlie

"Dude. You set our clocks _back_." yelled Mac, as he pulled out his cell phone and looked at the real time, realizing they're running even more late than he thought.

"Dude, I don't get what the big deal is, I m-" said Charlie, as Mac slammed on the gas zig zagging through the bumper to bumper traffic, while trying to calmly explain to Charlie, with no avail, that he should have set the clock _forward_ , not backwards, to achieve the effect he was going for.

"Well, no dude, what are you talking about. You set the clock BACK, not forward, if you want more time on the clock." explained Charlie, as Mac continued zig-zagging through traffic nearly causing a wreck.

They finally got into the parking lot, zipped through the floors at 25 in a 5 mph zone. As they found a parking spot, the trio sprinted out of their cars like maniacs and made a dash for it. They ran recklessly, bumping several fellow pedestrians along the way. As they ran, a line was forming outside of Cinnamon Bun, spreading out through the middle of the mall. Mac, Charlie, and Cricket were running nearly full speed, criss-crossing through Jimmy's line.

"Hey! Come on guys." yelled Jimmy, pleading from a distance

Its been barely three days, but Mac and Charlie already managed to mildly annoy Jimmy at this point. Jimmy, although mildly annoyed with the trio, was still happy nonetheless to have a new set of merchants open up shop he could befriend. As one gets desperate to start a new life, and for some human contact to get out of a depressive slump, even _the gang_ is better than no friends at all.

The three sprinted to their cart, unlocked the padlocks, and started unzipping the plastic covers; being the last shop to open up. Mac's cellphone read 8:14 AM, with a few seconds to spare, as a mall cop walked by and give them a dirty look. With his index finger he angrily points at his wrist, despite not wearing a watch as Mac replies "15 seconds to spare."

"You guys might want to get here a bit faster next time." said the mall cop, as he continued walking

"Dude, that was close. We can't be running at the last minute like this everyday." said Mac, as they continued opening up the cart, finally powering on their cash register.

"Open for business." said Mac proudly, with their Paddy's Pub merchandise in full display smack in the middle of the mall, as a diverse set of pedestrians including families with children, slowly milled around them.

Meanwhile, Jimmy was busy serving the long line of customers ahead. Jimmy enjoyed the long lines and stress that came along with it, as at least it forced his mind from wondering into dark places. Jimmy also enjoyed the 'garbage time' hours, usually the first and last hours, where hardly any customers were left at the mall, time Jimmy could socialize with his workers and the other merchants. Outside of his off-the-clock time, its the 10 to noon and 4 to 6 hours that Jimmy dreaded the most. The slow hours, where Jimmy was alone with his thoughts, often caught in daydreams, but not slow enough that he could leave his post.

There, dark thoughts entered his mind. Paranoid thoughts that Todd's or Mike's guys, or hell, even Gus's, were still around and could get to him. But also sad thoughts, that he would die alone as a washed up lawyer in a deadend job. Retirement scared the bejesus out of Jimmy moreso than Mike or one of his goon cop friends from Philadelphia ever could. In a weird way, the paranoid thoughts of getting killed by gangsters weren't "dark thoughts" that Jimmy needed a distraction from by the stress of managing Cinnamon Bun- they _were_ the distraction, distraction from the thoughts of depression and loneliness.

The line grew thinner and thinner by the minute. For every new customer entering the line, Jimmy handled two, despite his intentional efforts of slowing down his pace. The cash register's clock read 10:25 as only 4 customers were in line. Thankfully, Jimmy's cell phone still had 92% battery. Although not a huge fan of technology, Jimmy has taken a liking to cell phone games. Along with a bus parking game, the classic PAC-man was one of his favorites; but his alltime favorite apps tended to be pay-to-win time management games. Ones where he could _slowly_ level up a character making incremental progress, a game that spanned days rather than minutes. Something one could make progress towards building something over time.

"Daddy, daddy." said a young 3 year old girl

"Yes sweatheart." said her father

"Why is that man's special spot looking weird like that. Do all special spots grow out like that when we grow up. Daddy, will mine be like that when I grow up." asked the girl, confusing the dad, at least until he looked up behind, seeing the Paddy Pub's merchandise cart.

"Um, um, well... um..." said the father, struggling for words, feeling embarrassered, uncomfortable, and angry, trying to change the subject, walking away in disgust

"Dude, business is awesome. I knew this was a great idea." said Mac, as the three where handling customers left and right.

"I know right." said Charlie

"But I still think we should expand and divergistify our business." said Charlie, refrerring to his side 'bird law' business.

"Well yeah. I mean this is going well, but we probabbly should have a backup busienss idea in case this one falls through for whatever reason. I mean _just in case_." said Mac

"Yeah, exactly, we need to tell everyone about my Bird Law knowledge." said Charlie

"No dude. You're still on that. No, I mean I am like a bad-ass tough guy private detetive, but also I am senstive and ethical. Like if you're a gay guy cheating on your wife, I will still bust you, but I will be like, 'hey man, I am like gay just like you, so you shouldn't try to hide it' type of thing." said Mac

"Well no dude. You'll never be a private detective. I mean is that like even a thing. And besides, you definintly like need a licneses, dude you're like walking liability dude." said Charlie

"Ok fine, you do your thing and I'll do mine." said Mac

"Well, no dude. I mean we can still be a team. If you're going to be a fake private detective, you most definitly need a good lawyer on your side." said Charlie

"Well, no Charlie. I am not a _fake_ private detective, I am like totally legit. But ok, fine, whatever." said Mac

"Hey, Cricket. Hey man, could you like hold down the fort for like a few hours." said Charlie, against all better judgements

"Yeah man, sure thing." said Cricket, as he begins his internal struggle of fighting temptation of being left unattended with a cash register, as Mac and Charlie walked off.

"I think we should start with our fellow merchants." said Mac, as the pedestrain traffic started loosening up a bit.

"Excuse me good sir, I am an esteemed expret of Bird Law and other lawyerings. And this is my esteemed colleague, he is a high ranked Private Detective. If you need our services at any time, here is our card." said Charlie, in an annoying accent

The man at the magic cart looked confused, not sure what they were talking about, as the two walked off looking for more merchants. They hit several more spots until they got to Cinnamon Bun.

Playing on his phone, Jimmy looked up to see only Mac and Charlie in line, quietly sighed.

"Can I help you guys." said Jimmy, hiding his annoyance

"Oh, hello, I don't know if you are aware of us." said Charlie, again, in a fake accent

"We've met before I believe." said Jimmy

"I am a dedicated private detective. And this is my sidekick, he does the legal stuff." said Mac

"Well, no dude, I am not the sidekick. Either you are or we're equal partners." rebutted Charlie, in normal voice

"Excuse my colleague, I am an esteemed Bird Law professional, and he.." started Charlie, back in character

"No dude, we've talked about this." said Mac, as they talked over each other

"Guys. GUYS." said Jimmy, interrupting them. "Ok, so let me know if I have this straight, you are a lawyer who specializes in the Migratory Bird Treaty Act of 1918, and you are a licensed private detective in the State of Nebraska?" instinctively asked Jimmy, without any intended sarcasm. Suddenly realized he let his inner lawyer out

"Well, um, well... uuuuuuu.?" said Charlie

"Oh, sorry, nevermind. What I meant was..." said Jimmy. "Well, anyway, if I suspect my employees of stealing from the cash register, Mac you will be the first I'll call." joked Jimmy, as Charlie poked Mac and pointed towards Cricket out in the distance. 'Thats actually kinda a good idea' whispered Charlie

"And then I'll call you so that you can represent them, sending some business your way." added Jimmy

"Well, dude, I don't think this guy takes us seriously." said Mac, not realizing Jimmy's still within earshot.

"Well, ok, just let me do the talking." said Charlie, as they tried their pitch again

"Look man, I am a businessman. You're a businessman. We're both esteemed businessman in our professions, you know, you do things your way I do things my way, we both have mutual respect. But dude, when it comes to the law, no offense, you don't know much about. I am like a jaw-mer-nut of law. I mean someday you will need my services sooner or later." said Charlie

"Is that so." said Jimmy, trying to keep himself from smirking

"Yeah man, and also no offense, but you don't seem like the type of guy who would know any good private detectives. I mean I am the best that there is. *ki-ahhh" said Mac, doing a karate chop

"Wow, is that so." said Jimmy, sarcastically, finding the duo more entertaining than annoying at this point

"I presume Paddy's Pub is your cover." added Jimmy jokingly

"Dude, seriously, I am the _best_ private detective in all of _Philadelphia_. We're branching out and we're about to go big." said Mac, intensely

Jimmy froze in fear as shiver went down his spine.


	10. Chapter 10 -- Law Pursuit

**Better Call the Bird Lawyer**

 **Chapter 10**

"Law Pursuit"

 _Some Year between 2017 and 2021_

 _The Month of September_

 _Day 10_

 _Omaha Mall_

 _4:15 PM_

"If you ever try to cross me again, and I know you probably will. I got guys everywhere throughout the country." said Mike nonchalantly

"But.. but.. but.." muttered Jimmy

"Hey, even if you manage to kill me. My guys will be there long after me." continued Mike, nonchalantly

"You mess with my operation again Jimmy, that will be the end." said Gus to Jimmy, as the flashbacks continued, Jimmy starring off into space as Mac and Charlie stared back at him, puzzled.

" _Mike! Mike!. Oh my GOD. Mike's guys got to me. They finally got to me. I knew I should have listened to my vacuum guy._ " thought Jimmy, snapping out of it, as Mac and Charlie continued their mindless chatter

"Oh my God dude, this guy can totally use our services."

"I know right."

"No, seriously, but let me do the talking..."

Mac and Charlie's chatter continued as they talked over each other, but grew quieter and quieter, eventually barely audible and Jimmy zoned them out and everything started to blur

Jimmy is zoning in and out of the conversation, as his heart begins to pound; fighting off a panic attack.

"Excuse me, how much for the muffin." said a customer, temporarily snapping Jimmy out of it, as Jimmy meekly handled her order, before going to the back

"Excuse me guys, I have to check on something." said Jimmy, making an exit to the back as another customer walked in

"Excuse me guys. Something came up, a family emergency. Could any of you take an extra shift and cover the rest of the day." said Jimmy to his employees, as they looked mildly annoyed at the request, also giving each other the 'not it' look.

"I'll pay $5 an hour bonus, plus regular pay, any volunteers?" asked Jimmy, as one of the worker's hand went up.

"Ok, great, see you tomorrow." said Jimmy, making his exit through the back, trying not to panic, as his employee went to handle the customer.

"Hey, did you notice, that guy was kinda rude." said Mac

"I know right." said Charlie

"And I mean I am not talking about like regular rude, which he is. I mean like extra rude, more rude than usual, you know." added Charlie

"Also, not only just rude. But dude, that was kinda sketchy." said Mac

"Oh totally. Yeah, he was all sketchy when we told him about our private eye services. Tell me I am not the only one who noticed he was acting kinda strange just now." said Charlie

"I know right. Who does that." said Mac

"Dude, he's totally up to something. My PI instincts are on full alert." added Mac

"Oh definitively. Oh yeah man, its like he hears that we're a private detective and a lawyer, and suddenly he gets nervous and disappears into the back." said Charlie

"You thinking what I am thinking?" asked Mac

"Yeah, totally, we should go to the food court and get something to eat cause I am hungry. And then we'll discuss how to handle him and give him our business card." said Charlie

"No dude. No, I mean we should totally follow him." said Mac, as he noticed Jimmy nervously making his exit from a distance.

"Oh that. Yeah, I am with you man." said Charlie

"We should like do a citizen's pursuit." said Mac

"What, I don't think thats like a thing." said Charlie

"No, dude, totally. I've learned it in private detective school. Its like a cop can legally follow any suspicious person, but for private citizens." said Mac

"Oh yeah, I heard of that. I mean like theres this thing called a citizen's arrest, so this is like similar." said Charlie

"Yeah, exactly dude. Its like a PI pursuit." said Mac

"Well, no, I was thinking it be more like a law pursuit thingy." rebutted Charlie, "Dude, trust me, I know my lawyerings, I don't need to be corrected"

"Well, ok. We need to totally get him." said Mac, as they wasted time arguing, while Jimmy got a 2 minute head start

Jimmy quietly exits out the back door, ignoring the "fire exit, do not open door" sign. Luckily, no alarms actually went off as he _slowly_ walked across the parking lot to avoid suspicion. Meanwhile, Mac and Charlie ran like manics running around the long way, until they see him from a distance.

"Dude, are you sure he's running away. Maybe he's like just going for lunch or something." said Charlie

"No dude, trust me on this." said Mac, as they quietly tail him and get into their car. At this point, Jimmy's car is parked near the top level. Due to his old age, since he can't run like he could in his younger days, Jimmy figured even the slow, aging elevator would get him there quicker. Mac and Charlie's space was two levels below Jimmy, and their running speed outpaced the elevator so they ran up the staircase. Eventually, Jimmy made into his car and took off as another car got behind him. The two cars passed Mac and Charlie, as Mac drove out and started the pursuit.

With the other car between Jimmy and them, the three cars slowly made their exit out the mall parking garage. Jimmy swiped his magnetic monthly parking pass card, doing his best not to fumble it and drop it out his car as his hand nervously shook. Mac and Charlie, still new to the system, struggled with the payment system.

"Dude, this machine just Jewed us out of $5." said Mac, realizing they overpaid from not knowing how to use the system.

"Dude, you can't say that." said Charlie

"What, Jew? Dude, thats what they call themselves. Hows that racist." said Mac, as he tailed Jimmy with two cars between them.

"Dude, you should like totally pass those cars up and be right behind him." said Charlie, as another car randomly squeezed between Jimmy and Mac's car

"No dude, trust me, I know what I am doing. You're supposed to have like two cars between your suspect, so they don't see you. I've learned this in PI school." rebutted Mac

"Ok, whatever. But I am telling you man, you can lose him if you don't ride right behind him." said Charlie

Jimmy looked at the car behind him, realizing its not Mac and/or Charlie. Then, suddenly, he remembered one of Mike's lessons about looking several cars down. Jimmy maneuvered his car slightly to the left and looked in his rear view mirror. Looking the car directly behind him, then one after that- no Mac or Charlie. Then the next car down, and there they were. Mac clearly tailgating him, with Charlie as his passenger. Jimmy plotted all the possible ways of losing them, with no avail. He made an exit off the highway, maneuvered though light traffic, and got back on a different highway. He tried this method on and off, creeping through off beat access roads, abandoned gentrified industrial zones, downtown areas; and back to zipping through major highways, making a full circle at one point. " _These guys are experts._ " thought Jimmy, " _No way am I outsmarting them_ , t _hey must be thinking at least 10 steps ahead of me_ "

"Dude, I am thinking maybe this guy is lost or something." said Mac

"Dude, I am getting hungry. I am thinking we should stop by and grab something to eat. I am sure we can catch him later." said Charlie

"Well, ok, lets follow him for another 10 minutes and head back." said Mac, as they've been tailing Jimmy for nearly 30 minutes by now.

"I wonder whats his deal is." said Charlie "I mean I can understand why you would drive like this if you're being chased or something, but this guy clearly doesn't know we're right behind him. He's acting real odd."

"Dude, maybe he just went senile. I've heard about this." said Mac

"Well, in that case, I think we should keep tailing him. I mean clearly at this point he lost his mind. I think we should keep following him just for his own good. You know, keep an eye on him." said Charlie

"Exactly. We're doing a public service here." said Mac, as Jimmy realizes that he's running low on gas

" _Oh shit man. My gas light just came on. I better just get back to my apartment and hope for the best. Maybe I can quietly notify my neighbors._ " thought Jimmy, as he made a sharp exit crossing four lanes of traffic, getting off the interstate, with Mac doing the same not far behind him.

Jimmy continued driving his normal route back to his apartment, adrenaline pumping as Mac and Charlie were behind him, as the other cars eventually drove elsewhere. " _Jesus, these guys aren't even trying to hide that they're tailing me. They're letting me know they have me. Oh God oh God_." thought Jimmy, as he approached the gate. Trying to hide his key entries, he put in the pin to open the gate. " _Oh who am I kidding. They probably know the pin already. They already know where I live. These guys are profession killers. They might even have a guy waiting for me at my apartment_." thought Jimmy

"Dude, I thought you said you need like a car or two between the suspect." asked Charlie

"No dude, he clearly doesn't know that we're tailing him. We need to get behind him so that we can see what the pin is to get through the gate." said Mac, as Jimmy entered and the gate closed behind him.

Jimmy zipped through the parking lot, and found a spot. He then nervously walked into his apartment, as he closed his eyes and step in. " _Please don't have Mike's guys in here. Please don't there be a Mike's guy in here._ " prayed Jimmy

"Dude, whats like the pin. Did you see what he put in." asked Mac

"Dude, I think it was like an 7. No wait, it could like be a 4 or also an 8." said Charlie

"Ok, it was probably a 7, but the next number was definitively a 3." said Mac, as another car passed them up and put in the pin, while Mac tried making out his entry of the other car

"Dude, I don't think the pin is the same for everyone. " said Charlie

"Shut up, I know what I am doing." said Mac, as they continued arguing, then both looked at each other as they had the same thought.

Mac floored the gas, as they simply tailed the previous car before the gate closes. The gate started to close, but then stopped, and opened back up as their car activated the motion detector. Once inside the apartment complex, they drove around the parking lot in circles unable to find Jimmy until Charlie spotted Jimmy's car, and then the duo parked next to Jimmy's car and got out. They still had full daylight, as the sun just slowly began to set, as they looked around the large apartment complex.

Jimmy continued panicking even after he opened his eyes and no Mike's guys. He went into his closet and grabbed a wad of cash, whatever he could stuff on his clothing. " _Shit, I can still make it out of here and drive off. What am I saying. I am low on gas, I am better off on foot._ " thought Jimmy as he peaked out the window, plotting his escape. Peeping out the window, he could clearly see Mac and Charlie, looking in his directing, pointing right at him. Jimmy could clearly see Mac saying "he's over there" reading Mac's lips. Jimmy then went towards the back picturing himself escaping from these professional contract killers out through the fire escape like he would do in video games, or a character in a movie. But alas, this isn't the movies or games, its real life. There is no fire escape in the back, looking out the window. Just a window AC unit halfway between me on the second floor and the ground. " _I can still make that jump, and then the second jump from the AC unit to the group._ " thought Jimmy, as he looked out the other window seeing Mac and Charlie walking towards him.

"Dude man, he could be anywhere in any of these buildings. I think we should just call it a day." said Charlie, as he and Mac looked around for Jimmy, unable to locate him

"Well, ok, but at least lets check it out to make sure he didn't go senile and forgot which apartment is his." said Mac, pointing towards the three buildings he wants to go look around first. "I think he might be somewhere over there." Mac continued

"Well, ok, lets look around, but if he's not there, lets just go home." said Charlie

Realizing he has no choice, Jimmy opens the window and jumps onto the AC window unit. Surprisingly, he somehow managed to make the jump, almost losing his balance along the way. As he regained balance, Jimmy planned out his next jump towards the ground; then suddenly **snap**. The AC unit could not support Jimmy's weight and snapped, falling to the ground. Jimmy, along with the AC unit, landed on the ground at a slight angle, as he lurked forwards and face planted the ground.

**bang**

"You hear that, we got to check it out." said Mac intensely, as the duo walked over between two apartment buildings towards the noise. There, they saw the broken AC unit crashed on the ground and Jimmy lying down on the ground, unconscious.

"Dude!" said Mac


	11. Chapter 11 -- Meanwhile 1

**Better Call the Bird Lawyer**

 **Chapter 11**

"Meanwhile #1"

 _Some Year between 2017 and 2021_

 _The Month of September_

 _Day 10_

 _Paddy's Pub_

 _Philadelphia_

 _9:15 AM_

"Where the hell is Mac and Charlie." said Frank harshly, with a grumpy attitude

"Did you forget already. They're still doing that stupid _Mall Thing_ bullshit." rebutted Dennis, annoyed by Frank's oncoming dementia and / or excessive drug and alcohol use

"Well, I need these two at the bar, so we can at least _look busy_ for the IRS when I am cooking the books. Traffic here isn't what its used to be." replied Frank

"Yeah, it has been going downhill lately. We'll never get back up to where we were when we first became World Champs." replied Dennis "Well, its going to take at least another full week before these two idiots realize that their idea is dumb and that they should give up. So you'll just have to suck it up."

"Which reminds me, how much exactly did you guys sell. I should be getting my cut sometime soon." retorted Dee

"Shut up Dee, nobody cares." rebutted Dennis

"Oh yeah, thats right, I remember now. Remind me to get their numbers from them so I'll know how much to cook the books by." said Frank

"Oh come on Frank, you can't seriously be entertaining this." said Dennis

"Ok, fine, whatever. I don't care anymore" said Dennis, giving up with the conversation

 _Day 12_

 _Omaha, Nebraska_

 _Police Station_

 _8:00 AM_

"See the game last night." said the Sargent to another, while eating a doughnut in the breakroom as they both watch the local news on an old, small 15-year-old old flat screen TV mounted in the corner of their breakroom right above the refrigerator

"Yep. We got beat again. Being in Wisconsin's conference ain't no fun." replied the other sargent matter-of-factly

"So, how's your caseload. Slow as mine?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Mostly minor noise complaints I can milk for time."

"Well, I got a case complaint regarding an obscenity complaint downtown I need to check out. I mean there's chance it'll get overturned anyway if it goes to trial, but I sure could use those overtime hours."

"Obscenity complaint? Sounds interesting."

"Yeah, I finally got around to it. Something about a 'Paddies Pub' selling a thing called 'Dick-towels' at the mall downtown."


	12. Chapter 12 -- Wake Up

**Better Call the Bird Lawyer**

 **Chapter 12**

"Wake Up"

 _Some Year between 2017 and 2021_

 _The Month of September_

 _Day 10_

 _Jimmy's Apartment Complex_

 _5:15 PM_

"You broke the rules Jimmy, you broke the rules es es es es" said Jimmy's 3rd grade teacher

"Jimmy, you are smart and hardworking, but if you don't shape up, you won't make anything of yourself. Especially if you keep hanging around the wrong apples Jimmy." said Jimmy's guide councilor a few years later

"Don't worry Jimmy, I won't tell on you. You'll talk your way out of trouble anyway." said Chuck, while Jimmy was in 5th grade.

"Hey Jimmy, how bout that guy. He's an easy mark." said Jimmy's best friend and accomplice, before they pulled the coin trick

"God dammit it Jimmy. Fine. I am going to get you out of this mess. Again." said Chuck

"I find you guilty. In light of your good intentions and progress, I sentence you to 40 hours of community service." said the Judge, to one of Jimmy's clients

"God dammit it Jimmy. Again. I can't believe they ever made you a lawyer." said Chuck

"Comm'on." retorted Jimmy

"Don't you ever try to pull one on me again. I can get to you. I have guys everywhere. Hell, I even still have buddies back in Philadelphia." said Mike

"Or what, or what will are you gonna do." responded Jimmy to Gus

"I'll kill your brother Chuck. I'll kill your girlfriend Kim. I'll kill _her infant daughter_." said Gus

"Jimmy, thats evidence tampering. You broke the rules rules rules rules." said Chuck

"What no, _you_ broke the rules, how did you find out I broke the rules rules rules rules" replied Jimmy self-righteously at his 4th amendment rights infringed upon.

Jimmy's life continued flashing before his eyes, both real and fake memories, both the good and the bad. As his memories slowly faded out, his consciousness faded back in; with Mac and Charlie's pointless chatter growing louder and louder.

"Totally, dude."

"I know right."

"Dude, we should like do a concussion protocol on him."

"Good idea."

Jimmy opened his eyes looking upwards, facing Mac and Charlie, as his brain was slowly putting together where and when he was and how he got there. Chills ran down his spine as it came to him.

"Please. Please. Don't hurt me. Mike is dead. What difference does it make anyway. Look, I can pay you." said Jimmy, handing Mac a random amount of cash he had on him. "Take it, I have plenty more where that came from." Jimmy pleaded for his life

Mac and Charlie looked at each other confused, with Mac taking the money.

"Dude, do you think he's like in a mob or something." whispered Charlie

"What, no way dude. I actually worked for the mob once. This guy? No dude." replied Mac intensity

"Well, I mean he kinda has a lot of cash." said Charlie

"Well, clearly, Charlie, he's stealing from his company." said Mac

"I mean I was thinking its more of a 'he's cheating on his wife' sort of thing." said Charlie

"Ha! We finally busted you." yelled Mac at Jimmy, as Jimmy fully recovered his consciousness

"Come on guys. I didn't mean for things to go down like they went down. It was Walter. He killed Mike, I had nothing to do with it." pleaded Jimmy

"Wait, who's Mike." asked Mac, as the three looked at each other awkwardly, starring at each other in silence uncomfortably

"Ummmmm. So. Like. We should, like help him up? Right?" Charlie broke the silence

Mac and Charlie helped Jimmy up off the ground as he felt dizzy getting up. He could feel a sharp pain in his knees, which he may possibly have busted. As he limped along, he guided them towards his apartment.

"So who exactly are you guys." asked Jimmy, as he took painful steps back up to his 2nd floor apartment, while Mac and Charlie each held one of his hands.

"Well, I am a lawyer. I specialize in Bird Law, and my associate is a private detective." said Charlie

"Yeah, dude, we're like one of the best in Philadelphia. I even once did work for the mob." rebutted Mac, making Jimmy slightly nervous

"And you guys sell 'dick towels' as your cover?" asked Jimmy, perplexed

"Well, no, I mean we're independent contractors for Paddy's Pub. But this is like a side thing he does, while I become fully certified in Lawerings." said Charlie

"Um. Ah ha." replied Jimmy, beginning to doubt their story.

"I don't mean to pry, but just curious. Where exactly. Did you finish your law school." asked Jimmy

"Well, its complicated. I mean ok..." replied Charlie uncomfortably, while Jimmy awaited elaboration

"Dude, he doesn't have his bar, but he's totally legit. You should have seen him in trial." replied Mac intensely

"Thanks, but let me do the talking, ok?" said Charlie, then continued

"Well, dude, its this law thing. Its totally complicated, you wouldn't understand." retorted Charlie

Jimmy just starred silently, awaiting an answer until Charlie started talking again

"Well, ok, so here's the thing. So I like applied to the University of American Samoa, but like they totally turned me down." said Charlie

"It was total bullshit." added Mac

"I mean, they're like totally a bunch of elitist snobs. They think they're like better than everyone else, but then I was like 'dude I don't care' because I know that I am like a good lawyer in the real world. I don't need their bs fake papers, book learning and stuff, I am more like a 'real world Sock-ray-ic learning' type of guy, you know what I mean." said Charlie

"Oh, yeah, I totally get it." replied Jimmy, then turned to Mac. "So, you're a private eye?"

"Well, I found this awesome online course that teaches you how to be a bad-ass and do all kinds of super cool PI stuff." said Mac

"Oh, ok. So how was that like." said Jimmy

"Well, I mean, I finished the first section, which was totally free. Then after I made my first payment, I kinda haven't heard from them again." said Mac, uncomfortably, at which point the reality became apparent to Jimmy. He was just dealing with idiots.

"Oh." said Jimmy. "Well, maybe they just sent you on your first mission." joked Jimmy

"Oh. My. God. Yes!. That's exactly what I've been saying dude." yelled Mac at Charlie

"Well, I mean I would totally back you up on this if Dennis was here, because he's like a real dick, but like if I am being honest..." said Charlie cut off mid sentence as Mac continued talking

"I've been saying this for months now." replied Mac, intensely

"So, you guys wanna come on in." asked Jimmy as they got to the top, figuring whats the harm in inviting the guys over _just this once_.

Jimmy had made the subconscious calculation that he would rather be annoyed by these two than continue suffering from his crippling loneliness. The entertainment value of their delusions and bickering alone pushed the scale further towards hanging out with them. Besides, Jimmy was just grateful to be alive and safe at this point to bother, as the three entered into his embarrassingly messy apartment.

"Dude, how do you manage to keep your apartment so clean." asked Charlie

"Well sorry, I didn't know you were expecting 5-star hotel service." responded Jimmy annoyingly, falsely thinking that Charlie was being sarcastic

Jimmy then sat back on his couch, as the pain in his knees started to kick in even moreso now that the adrenaline was wearing off; ready to veg out. Mac and Charlie meanwhile instinctively rummaged through Jimmy's belongings, digging through his random pile of junk.

"Yo dude, check this out." said Mac, pointing to a set of brass knuckles Jimmy had randomly laying around, "I could totally use them." he continued as he put them on, checking them out

"Hey, check it out, I think this guy has potential to like be one of my Bird Law assistants." said Charlie, pointing to an old legal book collecting dust, as Charlie attempted to pronounce the title, as he took the book

"Well, no dude, he's like totally senile." rebutted Mac, as they continued talking loudly as if Jimmy wasn't just there hearing everything they said, rummaging through Jimmy's things.

Jimmy just sat on the couch, lacking the energy to intervene, slightly assumed at their rudeness.

"Mac, help me erase the evidence. If they see this, they might use that as pretext to put him in a home. This is what they do to old senile people man." said Charlie, erasing Jimmy's footprints with his bare fingers on the window balcony where Jimmy tried escaping from these two earlier.

"Hey guys, make yourselves at home. I got some movies and video games we can just watch." said Jimmy, interrupting their chatter

"Oh sweet, this guy has GTA" said Mac with excitement

"Oh man, last comic standing DVDs. I mean I don't get all their artistic jokes and all, but its like still super funny dude." said Charlie, as Mac turns on the game

"Oh man, this is how I train for my PI job." said Mac, as he continued creating his profile, toggling between the outfits. "Which one makes me look the most badass.?" asked Mac

Jimmy meanwhile decided to take a break from the gaming. Watching the two play, who both were better gamers than him anyway, was entertaining enough. Jimmy had toggled between watching the two play GTA and playing a simple RPG style game on his phone as hours went by.

"Hey, Jimmy, you sure don't want to play." finally asked Charlie

"Nah, thats ok." said Jimmy

"Oh. My God." exclaimed Mac, with a worried trepidation. "I just realized something."

"What is it Mac" asked Charlie.

"Cricketttttt!" Charlie and Mac yelled in unison


	13. Chapter 13 -- Closing Time

**Better Call the Bird Lawyer**

 **Chapter 13**

"Closing Time"

 _Some Year between 2017 and 2021_

 _The Month of September_

 _Day 10_

 _Omaha Mall_

 _9:45 PM_

"Oh man thats funny. One please." said the customer, handing over a $20 dollar bill while Cricket rang him up and handed the man his change.

Cricket was holding up the fort, unexpectedly left alone, while Mac and Charlie had gone on their 'law pursuit' adventure. Struggling with the temptation to steal with all the cash laying around, Cricket continued taking the next customer, this time doing the math on a calculator instead of ringing them up on the cash register as instructed by Mac and Charlie, discretely opening the cash register by pressing the button on the bottom.

"Where the hell are they." thought Cricket to himself annoyed as closing time was in just 15 minutes, taking out the four notebooks and entering the sale. _"They're taking advantage of me again. I am doing all the work while they're out there doing something else. This is total bullshit."_ though Cricket, as the nearby stores started to close down.

Meanwhile

Back at Jimmy's Apartment

"Look, sorry, we don't want to be rude, but we just realized that we left Cricket all alone. We should get back to the mall to pick him up." said Mac, as Jimmy nodded

" _Oh, your leaving right now is whats rude, not being here for nearly four hours. Oh, ok."_ though Jimmy, with mixed feelings as the two saved their game progress and left; as he started to feel drowsy and fell asleep.

"So, whats our VIG for this?" asked Charlie, as Mac counted the cash Jimmy had handed him earlier while the two walked out heading back to their car

"$247" said Mac, "I mean I think that's a fair price." counting the money Jimmy's gave them out of fear from earlier

"Ok, so whats _my_ VIG on this?" asked Charlie

"Well, lets see, I mean my rate is normally $100 per hour, which is what Private Investigators normally charge. Your rate as my assistant is $25 an hour..." continued Mac, interrupted

"Wait, assistant. No dude, I am like the Bird Lawyer, you should like be my assistant, or like we should be equal or something at the very least." said Charlie

"We, I mean no dude. Since we're doing my thing right now, you're my assistant, but like when we do your Bird Law thing then like I would be your assistant then." rebutted Mac

"I mean, yeah, ok, that makes sense. But like what if like we both do our thing at the same time as a team." asked Charlie

"Well, in that case we would be equal partners. It all depends on the situation." said Mac, as he continued

"So like I was saying, my rate is $100 an hour and your rate when your my assistant is $25. So since we did a little over four hours of work, we round up to five. So thats..." said Mac, trying to do the math in his head. "Thats like $600 just about."

"Well, yeah, but like obviously since this is like our first case, and he's clearly an old man going senile we should like give him a huge discount." said Charlie

"Well, obviously. Its the right thing to do. So like my cut is, lets just call it $200 even and you get the $47." said Mac

"Well, ok, but what about Cricket's VIG." asked Charlie

"Well, I mean obviously he didn't do anything on this mission, but he did like help us with the 'dick-towel' cart. So like we should give him an extra $20 bonus on top of his pay." said Mac as the two agreed and got back into the car.

"Ok, so like Cricket is my assistant? So he's an assistant-assistant.?" asked Charlie

"Well, no, he's both our assistant, but like a low level assistant." said Mac

"Well, ok, but I call dibs on Jimmy. I mean no offense dude, but I totally see a potential in him. I mean like if we do our thing and he proves himself, don't get like mad if I demote you to assistant-assistant Bird Lawyer." said Charlie

"Oh, fine." said Mac

"So like, do we know how to get back to the mall?" asked Charlie, as the two suddenly gave each other an uncomfortable look, then realized that their phones both were dying.

*ring ring* - Mac's phone rang, as its battery died from the ringing sound.

*ring ring* - Charlie's phone rang, as it too died immediately died afterwards.

"God dammit it, now we don't have GPS." said Charlie

"Dude, don't worry, I am a PI, remember. I don't need GPS. Besides dude we've been playing GTA for like four hours, we should have practice how to drive without GPS by now." said Mac

"Well, ok, but like we probably should have like used the Omaha map instead..." said Charlie

"Shhhushhhhhh." said Mac, as he struggled to navigate the highway, getting lost in the process driving around aimlessly for several minutes. This continued for a while until Mac finally recognized the highway they took to work each morning. Although the path looked unrecognizable due to this being nigh-time, Mac had figured it out and made his exit.

Meanwhile

Back at the Mall

" _God dammit where are they."_ thought Cricket, as he called Charlie's cell only for that to die as well. Cricket was the last one in the mall to close shop, having to figure out how the plastic cover mechanism worked on his own since the two haven't taught him how. The security guy walked over to Cricket.

"Hey, the mall is closed. Its already 10:45. You need to vacate the premises." said the security guard annoyingly.

"Oh come on man. My ride isn't here yet. I am just waiting for them." pledged Cricket while the security guard sighed, feeling bad for him.

"Ok, I'll let you stay in the security office for a while and wait there, ok." said the security guy, as he took out his phone to make a quick call

"Hey honey, sorry, I am going to be coming home late several minutes. Something came up last minute." said the security guard, as he led Cricket to the security office leading the way, showing him an empty plastic chair to sit on.

Cricket sat on the plastic chair, reserved for random visitors. To his left stood a makeshift 'jail' for shoplifters and other random offenders, a chain-linked fence attached to a wheeled bottom. To his right, a display of random closed-circuit black-and-white cameras through the mall, one of which pointed directly at their cart.

"Soooo. These like record forever?" Cricket asked inquisitively, slightly nervous

"Yup, feeds are stored up to 30 days. Much better resolution, plus with color, than what you see on these TVs." said the mall security officer nonchalantly as Cricket nervously gulped

"So we'll see when your friends show up in real time." continued the mall security guy as Cricket noticed a car pulling up through a garage on one of the cameras, excitedly realizing its Mac and Charlie

"Good catch. Lets take a shortcut and meet them up at entrance." said the security guard, walking Cricket to the mall entrance through a side hallway not open to the public

"Crickettttttttttt." yelled Mac and Charlie, excitedly as the security guard looked annoyed, about to lock up the mall.

"Sorry man, we got caught up in a side mission." said Mac

"But you're going to get an extra $20 in VIG payout." said Charlie

"Oh, thanks a lot guys." said Cricket sarcastically, looking at the time, now over an hour late

"Lets get you home, we'll tell you all about it." said Charlie, as he and Mac didn't catch the sarcasm, as the trio walked back to the car and drove off to their apartment.


	14. Chapter 14 -- Complaint

**Better Call the Bird Lawyer**

 **Chapter 14**

"Complaint"

 _Some Year between 2017 and 2021_

 _Day 12_

 _Omaha Mall_

 _8:13 AM_

Mac, Charlie, and Cricket are slowly getting better at opening on time. They've set their clocks several minutes earlier than their previous days. No longer are they driving and running like maniacs just to open up on time at the last second. They did get a bit more traffic today, but one of the perks of being up early is that you have that buffer. This time they made it _2 whole minutes_ , instead of the usual less than 1 minute, before their 8:15 AM deadline. They already had several warnings regarding their tardiness before the mall would start issuing fines, ranging from $25 to $100 per violation. With each incident, Charlie would threaten to appeal the fine, claiming either that they did make it on time; or some made up legalese, as if the mall was an actual court of law rather than a private corporation.

"Sir. Guys. I am going to have to ask you go come with me to my office." said the mall security guy, as the trio finished opening up shop

"What, thats bullshit, its only 8:11 AM, we're 4 minutes early. Plus when you add the 5 minutes of GPS errors, we're like 9 minutes early. I am totally going to fight this, I am prepared to go to court this time." said Charlie to Mac, but speaking loudly enough for everyone to hear. Charlie then takes a picture of the surroundings with his phone, then starts recording, so that he can have a timestamped proof that their cart was open on time.

"Well, ok, but maybe he'll just give us another warning." said Mac. "Hey, can you hold down the fort again Cricket." he added. Cricket sighed, as he's again being asked to watch their stuff by himself while they walk off on their random adventures. He's feeling less and less guilty about all the money he already stole, and may or may not steal in the future.

"Sir, you'll be coming with us as well." said the Mall Cop to Cricket. "We'll watch your cash register for you, don't worry."

"Guys, I am telling you. This is bullshit. We made it on time. I have two witnesses, and I have video evidence that we made it on time." said Charlie.

"Look, I don't care if you 'just give us a warning' this time. I am totally ready to go to court on this, come on man, this is harassment." said Charlie, as the Mall Cop sighed, as they were brought in to one of their security rooms.

On one side, there was a room where a security guard monitored the cameras, on the other; a "holding cell" for alleged shoplifters and other rule breakers, and finally, straight ahead was the "questioning room". There, a long table sat across from them. Two men in business suits, a police officer and the mall cop sat on one side; with three empty seats on the other, as the trio sat down.

"Hey, listen good Sirs." said Charlie in his annoying fake lawyer accent. "I am hereby appealing the false claims, any and all, against us and Paddys Pub Inc, that we were tardy. Let the record show that we made it on time with at least 4 minutes to spare. I also have a video recording with a time on it which I think will prove my case." pleaded Charlie. All but the mall cop were confused, as he explained the confusion. The two men in business suits stared the trio down coldly.

"Hello, I am David Williams, the Regional Building Manager and Director of _Omaha Mall_ " said David

"My name is John Davis, Esq, head of Omaha Mall LLC legal department" said John

"I am Officer Wilson Fontes" said Wilson, flashing his badge, as the trio looked nervously at each other.

"We at Omaha Mall LLC, are a proud fun and family friendly, first-to-market outlet shopping center. Featuring over 50 retailers and restaurants, we proudly cater to a diverse set of customers, young and old, families as well as single young adults. We value not only our customers, but also our creative and innovative retailers." said David, as he continued

"And as much as we value creatively and innovation from our valued retailers such as yourselves, we do require a set of baseline propriety standards so as to meet the needs of _all_ our customers, making Omaha Mall a fun and friendly atmosphere for _all_ ages." in a somewhat creepy, passive-aggressive tone

"Wait, this is about our dick towels?!" blurted out Mac. John and David both sighed.

"We have received a total of 117 complaints related to alleged inappropriate materials over the past 30 days." said David, pausing as the room got awkwardly quiet.

"One hundred and eight came from complaints regarding Paddy's Pub Outlet merchandise" David continued

"We're going to have to request that you no longer sell some of your, more ' _risque_ ' materials." David continued

"Now hold on a second. Correct me if I am wrong, but I believe that I still have my 4th Commandment Rights. This is still America, last time I checked. You can't stop us from selling our wares, thats totally unconstitutional man." Charlie retorted angrily

"According to your rental agreement, we reserve the right to terminate your merchant agreement for _any_ reason; and furthermore if for cause, including but not limited to selling obscene material, you shall be removed _without refund._ " said John non-nonchalantly

"This is bullshit, so now they're trying to steal our money as well as kicking us out. Look, I will appeal your asset forfeit policy all the way to the Supreme Court if I have to." said Charlie angrily

"However... after further discussions with Management, our PR and Legal Department, we have settled on an _alternative_ approach." said John, creepily

"We believe that it would be conducive for all of us involved if there aren't any legal action and/or negative social media activity involved on your part" he dryly continued with his very precise boilerplate legalese.

"Mr Charlie Kelly Esq? You are your company's legal representative I presume?" asked the John

"He doesn't have his bar yet, but..." said Mac, until Charlie elbowed him

"Look, its complicated. I mean I passed it, but then there was this thing..." retorted Charlie

"And you, Mr Mac McDonald. I presume that you are the main business owner." John continued

"Well, actually, we both kin-" said Charlie, as John continued talking over him

"In spite of Paddy's Pub Outlet breach of contract to not sell obscene materials; we will continue allowing Paddy's Pub Outlet to keep its merchant lease agreement with, _however_ "

"We are going to make several _adjustments_ to the current rental agreement contract going forward" taking a pause.

"Going forward, _all_ of Paddy's Pub Outlet merchandise will need pre-approval from the Site Manager"

"Secondly, to compensate Paddy's Pub Outlet for its inconvenience, we will give you a one time $75 reduction in rent for next month, and a permanent $25 reduction in rent per month going forward."

The security whispers something in John's ear. The mall's lawyer sighed.

"Third: The time that you are required to open up your cart will be adjusted to 8:17:00 AM, from the current 8:15:00 AM. We will use the digital clock behind us as official time, and instruct all our security personal to synchronize their timekeeping devices within 15 second of that."

"Moreover, Mr Mac Ronald McDonald, as owner of Paddy's Pub Outlet. You are no longer allowed on Omaha Mall grounds, or any of our other corporate affiliates. You can be arrested for criminal trespassing even just for being on the parking lot."

"Finally. I am going to need signatures from all three regarding a social media non-disclosure agreement. Certainly, there is _no need_ for Paddy's Pub Outlet to discontinue its business relations with the Omaha Mall." said the mall legal representative,

"Also, there's still one more order of business to take care of" said Officer Wilson Fontes

"I have been informed of an alleged obscenity violation." said the officer, as the room got quiet all of the sudden, with both the Regional Building Manager and the mall's lawyer getting uncomfortable.

"Here is Exhibit A officer" said the Manager, uncomfortably pulling out a dick towel. The officer instinctively pinches himself hard on his arm, almost drawing blood, to prevent himself from laughter as this is the first time he's seeing the towel.

"And here is Exhibit B" he continued, pulling out this time with womens' breasts on them, as the officer continued pinching himself harder and harder until he managed to contain his laughter.

"So just to confirm, are these pieces of merchandise sold by you three?" said the Officer as non-nonchalantly as possible

"What, this is total bullshit. These are fully covered by our 4ht Commandment Rights." protested Charlie

"I need a yes or a no." said the Officer non-nonchalantly

"We totally have the right to sell those." said Mac angrily

"So you are currently selling these?" said the Officer

"We were until these clowns shut us down." said Charlie, pointing to John and David "We're totally going to appeal this. We're going to continue to selling these before you know it, this isn't over yet" said Charlie

"Thank you for the confirmation." said the Officer, continuing

"Mr Charlie Kelly. Mr Mac Ronald Mc" the officer pinches himself hard again "McDonald. And Mr Matthew Mara."

"I am hereby giving you 3 a citation for the alleged violations of the following misdemeanors of Nebraska state law, Statute 28 Paragraph 807, Sections 6, 7, 9 and 10. You are hereby summoned to be in court on or before the date of the 30th of November. Please go ahead and sign right underneath this line." said the Officer non-nonchalantly

"What, thats total bullshit man. Man, I am totally going to fight you on thi..." railed Charlie, as Mac and Cricket signed their indigents and took their carbon copies of the court summons.

"Your signature on this ticket is _not_ an admission of guilt, but merely proof that you were notified of the alleged violations." continued the Officer calmly over Charlie's yelling

"I am just doing my job sir..." the Officer attempted to get a word in over Charlie's screaming

"This is a total violation of our Constitution. This is an illegal detainment. I do not consent. I do not consent. I do not consent to this illegal seizure. I will take you on all the way to the Supreme Court if I have to." yelled Charlie

"I am just a witness for the state, verify that you are indeed selling the materials in question." the Officer sighed non-nonchalantly and beginning to get annoyed

"I demand your badge number. Whats your badge number? This is totally an illegal detainment, this is an unconstitutional harassment, I demand your badge " yelled Charlie

"My badge number is written on your citations, which you already have a carbon copy of. Have a good day sir." said the Officer calmly, sighing, as Charlie finally calmed down and reluctantly signed the citation

"Oh, hey guys, whats up." said Jimmy, getting a drink from the vending machine while randomly walking by. "Hey, whats with all the commotion?" he asked curiously


	15. Chapter 15 -- Lowering the Bar

**Better Call the Bird Lawyer**

 **Chapter 15**

"Lowering the Bar"

 _Some Year between 2017 and 2021_

 _The Month of March_

 _Day -180_

 _Philadelphia University_

 _Room 301_

 _Bar Exam Testing Center_

 _10:17 AM_

The clock on the wall reads 10:17:14. 10:17:15. 10:17:16... 2 hours, 42 minutes, and 44 seconds remaining. 2 hours, 42 minutes, and 43 seconds remaining, as Charlie nervously watches the time tick away, trying to concentrate on his test. Charlie, sitting near the back, slightly to the left, stares at the essay questions through his thick glasses, adjusting his view as he takes the Bar Exam.

" _This is bullshit, why aren't there more Bird Law questions._ " thinks Charlie angrily to himself, as he scribbles down answers, at least spelling most of the words correctly this time around. The essay questions themselves are a bit of a blur as Charlie is not exactly sure what any of it means. " _Man, this is bullshit, why aren't these multiple choice test questions. The whole system is rigged man._ " thinks Charlie

"Charlie, dude. Tilt your head back. No, no, wrong way. To the left. No, the other left. Oh, God dammit, Charlie, now you went too far back. The feed's too blurry, move in some" yelled Mac through Charlie's earpiece

"Error 404. Connection lost and could not be reestablished." read Mac's computer screen, back at the bar in the office

"Oh God damnit." said Mac

"Thats ok, we got a good screen shot of pages 1 and 3, and the top half of page 2. We just need to get the entire 2nd page and 4th page." said Schmitty, reluctantly agreeing to help with the latest scheme of helping Charlie pass the Bar Exam for the price of $100 + an unspecified amount of free booze.

"Ok, we got 'double indemnity', 'moral hazard', and, um, try 'assumed risk'" said Schmitty, as Dee frantically Googled those terms for their meaning, jotting down any notes.

"Whats going on." said Frank, annoyed

"Oh, they're doing their thing again trying to help Charlie cheat on the Bar Exam. Quite frantically, its getting pretty pathetic at this point." said Dennis "I think they've upgraded some of their equipment this time around thinking that will help." he added

"Well God damnit, you mean to tell me I have to pay for more equipment." said Frank with annoyance in his voice, since the money to pay for all the equipment to help Charlie cheat is coming out of Paddy's Pub budget.

Charlie's glasses has a rigged camera attached on the top frame, and he has an earpiece with long range transmitters. This is Charlie's 4th attempt at taking the Bar, with the 2nd and 3rd attempts each involving _The Gang_ helping him pass, but unfortunately Charlie failed each time even with the cheating, though with a slightly better grade each time. This time around, he at least planned his scheme a bit better; including better equipment not to mention at least taking several remedial reading classes. Meanwhile, back at Paddy's Pub in their office, AKA their "war room"; working as a team: Dee was their "Head Googler", Schmitty was the "tech guy" (sort of), Mac would paraphrase to Charlie what to write on the exam. They've managed to bring in another 5 people, acquaintances; each set up with a laptop across a long table; doing whatever research, grammar / spelling checks or other assistance they could.

According to the plan, Mac had instructed Charlie to flip all of the test pages until they had at least one clear shot of all the questions. Then, they would concentrate on collectively figuring out how to answer the questions and Mac would feed the answers to Charlie. Then finally, before turning in the exam one more time, Mac would scan over what Charlie wrote and attempt to fix as many spelling and grammar errors as possible; this time around planned better by running the text through a tool that checks for errors instead of just doing it manually. The entire plan required taking two 15-20 minute "bathroom breaks" per each 3 hour session, one at around the 1 hour mark and one at around the 2 hour mark; both maximizing the effectiveness of their time, as well as minimizing suspicion.

"Ok Charlie, now you want to bullshit about if a home invader breaks in, he forfeits..." says Mac

"What, no, thats bullshit, why does _he_ have to be a _he_. A _woman_ can be just as good as breaking in..." Dee tried to say but was ignored and talked over as Mac continued

"... a percentage of his personal damages if he gets injured in a booby trap. Be sure to draw from personal experiences, like that time you were alone in the bar getting caught in the bear trap." said Mac

"What!? NO. Be dry as possible, stick to the facts..." said Dee, interrupted

"Be sure to mention Home Alone. That movie is a treasure trove of complicated legal issues. That movie was a classic." interjected Schmitty

"What, no. We're not doing pop culture references. Stick to real life legal situations and personal experiences." said Mac

"What, no, thats bullshit. The Bar People don't want to hear about your personal life, just stick to the legal stuff." said Dee

"Bullshit, nobody is suing anyone." interjected Frank, injecting himself into the conversation

"If someone breaks into this bar, I am blowing their brains out with my gun." he continued

"Are you shitting me Frank. Don't tell me you're doing their Bird Law thing. You know what, I am out. I am out. I am out." yelled Dennis, storming out the bar

**** all talking at the same time****

"Guys, just stick to the plan, talk _only_ about legal stuff." said Dee

"You need to draw them in on a hook, tell them about your adversity..." said Mac

"I seriously think you should put in funny pop culture references in there." said Schmitty

"Just blow their brains out. They can't sue your insurance if they're dead." said Frank

The gang argued until Mac's phone started ringing a bunch of times.

*** meanwhile ***

At around the 45 minute mark, 15 minutes before their planned "bathroom break", Charlie was getting annoyed by the Gang talking over each other instead of being helpful, decided its best to do the bathroom break thing early so as to try to talk sense into his helpers. Raising his hand.

"Hey, may I use the restroom." said Charlie, as he snuck out, leaving his test papers at the desk. He then proceeded to the restroom, and verified that the stalls were empty and safe to talk, pulling out his phone.

"Hey Mac, what the hell man." whispered Charlie. "Put me on speaker"

"Ok, everyone, let Mac do the talking." said Charlie, with annoyance in his voice

"Ok, cause like some people are saying that if you hurt someone breaking in your house, that like they broke in so its their fault if they get hurt, but then like other people say that you're still responsible because you can't do booby traps, but then I am all like well maybe they both should like be partially to be blame like kinda do a 50 50 thing, you know; but then like the insurance should be like well, we pay some of the money too, because like they benefit too if people like protect themselves..." rambled Charlie

"Ok, calm down Charlie." said Mac

"And then the hospitals should be like, 'well if everyone else takes responsibility then like we should maybe do a thing where we lower the cost and like a make a deal with everyone or something'" continued Charlie

"Hey, I think I found something. Katko v Briney" said Dee, pointing to a video she found on youtube

"I thought we said we're not doing youtube stuff" said Mac

"No, I think this guy is legit. He does Lemon Law in Southfield, Michigan." retorted Bill Ponderosa

"Ok, _fine_. mention that." said Mac, annoyed

"I've read up some things on insurance law. You do the criminal law stuff and I'll do the civil stuff." said Dee, as they finally calmed down, doing their best to work as a team trying to convey as much information over the next 20 minutes as possible, before Charlie headed back to class.

*** 25 hours later ***

Philadelphia University

Student Union

Two of the test proctors were hanging out at the cafeteria in the Student Union just chit chatting during their lunch break as one was about to call it a day, and the other had to get back to teaching his class in an hour. Only one three-hour session remaining, with a third proctor taking the last shift.

"God dammit, 8 bucks for a small Philly sandwich. I shoulda brought my lunch from home at these prices. How the hell does anyone even bother eating here."

"Well, most students kinda have to because of their mandatory meal plans."

"Yeah, I guess that makes sense"

"Hey, by the way. Did you notice anything _odd_ by any chance?"

"What do you mean?"

"Um, one of my test takers, Charlie Kelly I believe, took _two_ 15 minute bathroom breaks in one of my sessions. Its probably nothing, but maybe we should keep an eye on him. _Just in case_."

"Oh." said one of the proctors, then continued "Probably had one of the burritos from here for breakfast".

They both laughed

"Well, I think I remember a Mr Kelly taking one long twenty minute break, but I am not sure."

"Well, I am calling it a day. Probably nothing to worry about, but can you look into it."

"Yeah, sure, no problem. I'll let, whats his face, to look into it. Oh, by the way, did you finish your bracket"

"Almost. I got Duke to go all the way."

"Yeah, off course you would. Come on man, you need more underdog picks, where's your American spirit."

"Thats cause I bet on winners." he retorted, as their banter continued for some 5 minutes until they parted ways.

**ring ring**

"Hey sweetie, whats up" said the proctor, as he received an urgent phone call from his daughter

"Hey, my car won't start." said his daughter frantically, almost crying, as he sighed

"Ok, can you get someone to give you a jump." he asked

"There's no one here that has cables."

"Ok, can you call triple A"

"I don't have it." she replied as he sighed

"Alright, where are you? If I am close enough I can maybe come by and give you a jump before my class starts."

"Ok, I am at, oh, I don't know the street name, by the mall, hold on, I need to hang up to use my GPS, I'll call you back" said his daughter as he sighed.

" _Damn it, I've raised a typical millennial._ " he thought as he took care of that right before his next class, completely forgetting to notify the other test proctor to be on the lookout for Charlie's shenanigans.


End file.
